Positive Parenting

1. Positive Parenting 4/2/10 Hasan A. Baloch, M.D.

2. According to a May 1995 article in Scientific American "The best intervention and prevention of delinquent and antisocial behavior in children is the parent's involvement in a parent education program that teaches more consistent, less coercive discipline techniques

3. Ultimately the most powerful method of influencing our children’s behavior is our relationship with them. You are your child’s best teacher.

4. “I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons.  I am satisfied that such punishment in most instances does more damage than good.  Children don’t need beating.  They need love and encouragement.  They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear.  Above all, they need example.”

5. The Prophet’s Example • The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "He is not of us who does not have mercy on young children, nor honor the elderly" Collected by Al-Tirmidhi • I prayed along with Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) the first prayer. He then went to his family and I also went along with him when he met some children (on the way). He began to pat the cheeks of each one of them. He also patted my cheek and I experienced a coolness or a fragrance of his hand as if it had been brought out from the scent bag of a perfumer. - Sahih Muslim Hadith 5758 • I served the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wasallam) for ten years, and he never said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, "Why did you do so or why didn't you do so?“ – Anas describing his childhood, Sahih Al-Bukhari

6. The Prophet’s Example (cont.) • Allah’s Messenger kissed Al-Hasan ibn `Ali while Al-Aqra` ibn Habis At-Tamim was sitting with him . Al-Aqra` said, “I have ten children and have never kissed one of them.” The Prophet cast a look at him and said, “Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully.” (Al-Bukhari) • I never saw anyone who was more compassionate towards children than Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him). (Muslim) • The Prophet said, “(It happens that) I start the prayer intending to prolong it, but on hearing the cries of a child, I shorten the prayer because I know that the cries of the child will incite its mother’s passions.” (Al-Bukhari) • “Fear Allah and treat your children [small or grown] fairly (with equal justice).” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim) • "Command your children to pray when they reach the age of seven and hit them if they leave it off when they reach the age of ten and separate them from each other in the beds.“ (Al-Bukhari)

7. Why Kids Misbehave

8. Child Factors • Temperament – Reactivity to stimuli, Attention Span, Abnormal Sleep Pattern • Physical – Motor coordination, strength, stamina, appearance • Development – Impaired language, delayed speech, low IQ., poor social skills

9. Parent Factors • Temperament – Easily angered vs. eternally patient, Reacts to everything vs. non-reactive • Emotional problems – Parental depression impairs the ability to adequately parent the children

10. Family Stress • Marital Discord • Financial Troubles • Tense relations with relatives • Death in the family • Chronic illness in the family

11. Paying Attention • Best Boss vs. Worst Boss • Children like Adults respond to attention • They don’t care what type of attention (negative or positive) • Develop a routine for positive attention (special time for each child ~ 15 min. daily)

12. Praising Compliance • “catch your child being good” • Children like adults respond to praise • Specific praise is ideal to shape behavior • Ex: “I like it when you do as I say” • Ex: “Mom really likes it when you pick up your toys”

13. Give Effective Commands • Mean what you command • Present it as a direct statement , NOT as a favor • Firm but not negative voice • Simple commands rather than multiple • Give adequate time for completion of 1st command before 2nd. • Make Eye Contact with your child (yelling across the room less likely to work) • Reduce distracters from the environment (TV, stereo, playstation etc.) • Have your child repeat the command back when necessary • Consider “Chore Cards” for extensive tasks like cleaning a bedroom

14. Using Time-Out • Give a command • Count loudly backward from 5 (use only for a few initial weeks of using this method) • If child has not complied, issue a warning • Warning method – eye contact, raise voice to louder than normal (not yelling), adopt a firmer posture, and say “If you don’t do as I say, then you are going to sit in that chair”

15. Using Time-Out (continued) • After the warning, count down from 5 again. • If still no compliance – “You did not do as I say; now you are going to the chair” • Escort the child by the upper arm or wrist and place them firmly in the chair and say “You stay there until I say you can get up”

16. Using Time-Out (cont.) • Chair should be a straight back dinette chair, placed in the foyer, dining room, kitchen, or middle of the hallway • Place it away from the wall and away from things the child could reach

17. How long? • 1-2 minutes per year of the child’s age • Ex: 4 year old = 4 minutes • Once the time has elapsed, they must be quiet for a few moments • After the time-out they should do what they were originally told to do or agree not to do the negative behavior they did

18. Time-Out(cont..) • When the child is in the chair there is no discussion or argument with the child • Siblings and the other spouse are not to speak to that child during the time-out • Once the child complies with the command the parent should tell the child “I like it when you do as I say”

19. Time-Out(cont..) • Certain times you do not need the warning period – Ex: Violation of household rules (lying, hitting, cursing, etc…) , Ex: Complex tasks like cleaning the bedroom – you can give the warning and command at the same time

20. Time-Out(cont..) • What if the child leaves the chair? • Return the child to the chair and give ONE warning “If you leave the chair again you will have to go to your room” • If this is necessary the bedroom should be emptied of any enjoyable activities such as TV, games, playstation, etc.. • Alternatives could be loss of larger things such as going over to the friend’s house this week, watching TV, etc..

21. Child Ploys • I need to go to the bathroom • I am sick • I am hungry • Attempts to rock or tip over the chair • Claims he will not love you anymore

22. Parental Mistakes • Not implementing time-out until very angry, after having said the command over and over again • Letting the child control the time • Standard time for every infraction and every age • Allow the child to barter out of time-out or agree to follow directions once he is being taken to time-out

23. Summary • Parenting is a complicated process but basically involves teaching and developing a relationship • Children learn from verbal and nonverbal teaching – Also from what they are and are not exposed to (experiences) • Do your best with what is under your control

24. Teenagers • Peer groups become more important • Most children do not rebel or act up in teenage years • Most of them choose peer groups similar to their families • Identity Development is one key task that kids this age are engaged in.

25. Peer Groups and Religion • Indonesian study, examining children age 13-15. • Changes in religiosity from year one to two were associated with friends' religiosity such that adolescents with religious friends were more religious at year two than those with less religious friends. • Reductions in religiosity were also associated with the presence of problem behavior.

26. Families and Sexuality • Cohesive family environments and positive peer networks contribute to reduced levels of risky sexual behavior among adolescents from religious families. • Parents who monitor their children's activities and peer environments, engage their families in regular activities and foster strong parent-child relationships can help reduce risky sexual behavior.

27. Teenagers and Drugs • Risks – Friends who use drugs, Girls having male friends, high amounts of unsupervised time, family conflict, low levels of family involvement, male gender • Protective – Strong parent-child attachment, Parent disapproval of drug use, Friends that don’t use drugs.

28. What to do if bad things happen? • Increase communication, talk about the problem • Increase supervision – drug testing, room searches, no cell phone, limiting internet, etc… • Change the environment – move, new school, change after school activities.