Chapter 13 Managing Conflict in Marriages and Families
Chapter Outline • Family Cohesion • Conflict and Love • Supportive Communication and Conflict Management • Bonding Fights - Nine Guidelines • Changing Conflict-Management Habits • The Myth of Conflict-free Conflict
Six Qualities of Family Cohesion • Communicate appreciation for one another. • Arrange personal schedules so they can do things together. • Have a high degree of commitment to promoting one another's happiness and welfare.
Six Qualities of Family Cohesion • Have some spiritual orientation. • Are able to deal with crises. • Have positive communication patterns.
Conflict and Love • All couples experience conflict. • How conflicts are addressed and resolved depends on how secure mates feel in their relationship.
10 Rules for a Successful Relationship • Express love verbally. • Be physically affectionate. • Express appreciation and admiration.
10 Rules for a Successful Relationship • Share more about yourself with your partner than with any other person. • Offer each other emotional support. • Express your love materially.
10 Rules for a Successful Relationship • Accept partner’s demands and put up with partner’s shortcomings. • Make time to be alone together. • Do not take the relationship for granted. • Do unto each other as you would have the other do unto you.
Side Affects of Avoiding Conflict • Anger “insteads” - substitute for dealing with emotions: overeating, depression, illness, etc. • Passive-aggression - express indirectly to avoid direct conflict: nagging, criticism, sarcasm. • Devitalized marriages
Horsemen of the Apocalypse Research identified predictors of divorce: • Contempt • Criticism • Defensiveness • Stonewalling • Belligerence
Managing Conflict • Be more gentle when raising complaints. • Help soothe spouse by communicating care and affection. • Learn self-soothing techniques. • Be willing to accept influence from spouse. • Do best to de-escalate arguments.
Tactics Used by Fight Evaders • Leaving the house or the scene when the fight threatens. • Turing sullen and refusing to argue or talk. • Derailing arguments “I can’t take it when you yell at me.”
Tactics Used by Fight Evaders • Stating “I can’t take you seriously when you act this way.” • Using the hit and run tactic of filing a complaint and leaving no time for a resolution. • Saying “okay, you win” without meaning it.
Bonding Fights - Nine Guidelines • Level with each other. • To avoid attacks, use I -statements when possible. • Avoid mixed, or double messages. • Choose the time and place carefully.
Bonding Fights - Nine Guidelines • Focus anger only on specific issues. • Ask for a specific change, but be open to compromise. • Be willing to change yourself. • Don’t try to win. • Remember to end the fight.
1. The emotional bonding of family members is referred to as family • strength. • construction. • cohesion. • justice.
Answer: c • The emotional bonding of family members is referred to as family cohesion.
2. When a person expresses anger at someone but does so indirectly rather than directly, that behavior is called. • authoritarianism. • displacement. • sabotage. • passive-aggression.
Answer: d • When a person expresses anger at someone but does so indirectly rather than directly, that behavior is called passive-aggression.
3. Which of the following is NOT one of the “rules for a successful relationship,” as discussed in the text? • Be willing to challenge your partner’s demands and question his/her shortcomings. • Share more about yourself with your partner than you do with any other person. • Express your love materially. • Do not take your relationship for granted.
Answer: a • “Be willing to challenge your partner’s demands and question his/her shortcomings” is NOT one of the “rules for a successful relationship,” as discussed in the text.
4. Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling are all examples of what social psychologist John Gottman referred to as the • Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. • major threats to communication breakdown. • Four Riders of the Communication Barrier. • primary ingredients of impending divorce.
Answer: a • Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling are all examples of what social psychologist John Gottman referred to as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.