Levels of Touch • Superficial: Does not enhance the relationship; • Is Not done as an expression of how someone feels about you. • It is Selfish!! Satisfies the need of the person touching. • Examples: hug, kiss, cuddle, sex
Levels of Touch • Personal: An expression of how a person feels about you. • Enhances the relationship; Un-selfish • Says: I like you, I care about you, I love you • Examples: hug, pat, high-five, kiss, back scratch, cuddle
Levels of Touch • Validating: Reinforces the relationship; Un-selfish • Says: I care about you, I love you • Examples: Can be a simple hug up to full intimacy with-in marriage.
Non-Verbal Communication What are you really saying? Kinesics: study of non-verbal communication
Definitions: • Nonverbal communication: A way of sending and receiving messages without using words, such as through body movements, facial expressions and eye contact. • Body language: The expression of thoughts, feelings, and emotions through body movements, such as facial expressions, gestures and body motions.
Nonverbal Communication • Important forms of nonverbal communication: • Proximity • eye contact • touch
Nonverbal Communication • For communication to be clear, verbal and nonverbal messages must agree. • If the messages conflict, people believe the NON-verbal message • Most of all messages are sent Nonverbally!
Non-Verbal Communication A. Transmits feelings Nervous, embarrassed, playful B. Serves many functions: 1. Repeats what is said verbally: pointing directions 2. Substitute for verbal messages: facial expressions 3. Accent verbal messages: pointing finger, shrug shoulders 4. Contradicts spoken word: double message: “I’m NOT angry!”
C. Body: Facing someone directly: interested Elevator: everyone looks outward, avoiding personal contact D. Posture – slumping, straight? E. Gestures- sometimes we hide emotions in our face but our gestures do not F. Eyes: meeting one’s glance. **Direct eye contact or glancing away to avoid contact.
Voice-tone “This is a fantastic communication book” with different emphasis. • Touch- raise IQ, aggression, friendship, sexual interest, manage transactions (Tug or shake) • Object language – Intentional or unintentional display of material things. Clothes, sports car, books.
Non-verbal Clues • Shaking Hands – If the hand is limp, the person may be nervous or doesn’t like to be touched. A firm handshake indicates confidence. • Defensiveness – Cross arms on chest, keep fists closed, swing a crossed leg.
Suspicion and Secretiveness – not look at you when they speak, touch or rub the nose with their index finger • Honesty – placing hand over heart, having palms uplifted, looking the person in the eye when speaking, touching gestures • Frustration – Short breaths, tightly clenched fists, wringing hands, kicking the ground or an imaginary object.
Confidence – Steepling (arms or hands together in a steeple), Joining hands behind the back • Nervousness – clearing of the throat, whistling, fidgeting, tugging at an ear, playing with pencils, notebooks, or eyeglasses in mouth. • Boredom – Drumming on desk, tapping feet, doodling, leaning the head on the hand.
Intimate Zone • First zone around us • Skin contact to 18” • Reserved for close friends and relatives • Allowing someone to enter shows trust • When someone enters without permission we feel threatened. Intimate Zone Skin—18”
Personal Zone • 18”— 4’ • Contacts are reasonably close but less personal, good friends • 18” is appropriate closeness for couples in public • 2 ½ feet appropriate for casual conversation Personal Zone 18”--4’
Social Zone • 4’ – 12’ • Used for parties and friendly gatherings • Used for casual acquaintances • 4’ -7’ appropriate for sales people and customers and people who work together • 7’ – 12’ reserved for impersonal situations. Social Zone 4’ – 12’
Public Zone • Used for speakers and their audience • Classrooms/auditoriums • Begins at 12’ and beyond • Anyone who remains 25 feet away is not interested in dialog Public Zone 12’-25’
Personal Space Zone Public Zone 12’ and beyond Social Zone 4’-12’ Personal Zone 18”- 4’ Intimate Zone Skin – 18”
Personal Space • The distances given for personal space are according to your culture. • Some cultures have a closer personal space than Americans do. • Women tend to stand closer together than do men • People in cities stand closer than do people from rural areas when communicating
Territory • Space we consider to be our own • Private • We claim it • We mark it • How do you mark your space? • What does your bedroom look like? • How do we mark temporary space/territory?
Territory • We claim temporary space by marking it with coats, bags, etc. • Some examples of Temporary Space: • Theater, library, classroom • We arrange our “stuff” around us in public territory. • Some examples of Public Space: • Classroom, library, church pew, bus, subway, park
Visual Territory • Visual invasion is as uncomfortable as physical invasion • A glance lasting longer than 3 seconds can be as threatening or as uncomfortable as someone who “invades” your space physically.
Destructive Communication-Do you do any of these forms of destructive communication???? • Blaming: Finding out who is at “fault” • Interrupting: Stops communication, disregard for others’ ideas • Endless fighting….”Bury the hatchet but leave the handle sticking out.”
Character Assassination: Attacking the other person’s character/person. Name calling, belittling comments… • Calling in Reinforcements: getting people on your side… • Withdrawal: says you don’t care • How do we withdraw emotionally? Physically? • Need to be right : refuse to admit your part in the problem
Constructive Communication - Try these methods 1. I-Messages: Non-threatening way to say how you are feeling. Non-blaming, take responsibility 2. Clarity: Say what you mean and mean what you say. Avoid Sarcasm; Avoid hinting , this leads to miscommunication. 3. Timing: Select a good time to talk. Schedule a time if necessary, ask: “When is a good time to talk?” “Can we get together and visit after…” Turn off the stereo, TV, Nintendo etc. Talk when you are well rested, not hungry etc.
4. Ask Questions: Shows interest, helps to clarify what is being said, collect information, Ask Who, What, Why, Where, When, How, questions. 5. Reflective Listening: Listener mirrors back what the speaker has said. Helps to clarify • “Are you saying you want to quit school?” • “You seem to be excited about that…?”
6. Respect and Consideration: Avoid being critical and judgmental, show respect throughout 7. Avoid Intense Anger: Sometimes we become too emotional to communicate effectively. • If you feel you are beginning to get emotionally out of control take responsibility and tell the other person, “I am too angry to talk about this right now. I am going for a walk and we can talk when I get back.”
Don’t use “YOU” Messages • A statement which describes someone else’s behavior. • We do not have the right to describe someone else’s behavior, feelings, or thoughts. We can only describe our own.
What Is Wrong With Using“YOU” Messages? Place blame “You made me…” Lack responsibility “You make me so mad! (Your choice to get mad Attempt to control people“You need to be more kind!” “Don’t you ever again….” Displace anger rather than diffuse anger
What is wrong with these “YOU” messages • Go wash your stinky, filthy, hands, they are making me sick!! • I hate this movie, why do you always pick movies that are so violent?? • You are so inconsiderate, you should have asked me to the dance days ago.
I Messages • I-Message: a non-threatening message which gives the listener info about the speaker • I-messages establish who owns the problem
Formula For A Good I-Message • Non-verbal must show love, acceptance, respect • Describe situation • When I …see, hear, observe • Tell how you feel • I feel….angry, concerned, happy • Give a reason why you feel that way • because… • Complete Questions on paper
You message to I message • “Get your dumb bike out of the driveway before I run it over!!!” • “When I see your bike in the driveway I feel concerned because I don’t want to run over it. Find the three parts to the above I-message. The description of the situation, the feeling, the reasons for the feelings.
You message to I message • “Don’t you dare try interrupt me while I am on the phone!!!” • “When I am on the phone with my friend and keep getting interrupted, I feel frustrated because I can’t hear what she is saying.” • Find the three elements of an I-message.
I-messagesConstructive Feedback • Focuses on: • “I” statements. • behavior rather than the person. • observations rather than judgments. • the observed incidence of behavior. • sharing ideas rather than giving advice. • its value to the recipient. • the amount the recipient can process. • an appropriate time and place.
The Little Mermaid • Analyze the communication in these clips Communication Role Plays
Listening Why are good listening skills important?
Steps to Listening • Unconditional Love: Face shows acceptance • Passive Listening: Use when the speaker is really excited or really upset. • Respond with Oh, Mmm, Really, Wow • Encourager Question: A question which gets a person to open up, use when someone is pouting, looks upset • Ask: How are you? How are things going? Is everything ok? Do you want to talk?
Steps to Listening • Validating statements: Acknowledge someone’s feelings and the information they share. • You don’t have to agree, just acknowledge their feelings. • Don’t discount someone’s feelings! • How do we discount someone’s feelings?
Three Ways To Validate 1.Make a short summary statement reflecting the meaning of the message. • You’re saying you want to break up with Susie because she works all the time. 2. Reflect back to the speaker the feelings expressed. • You’re angry with Susie because Todd invited her to Prom.
Three Ways To Validate 3.Reflect back the “hidden” message or the real meaning the speaker is trying to give. • So you want to break up with Susie because You are tired of having a girl friend. • You want to break up with Susie so you can take Annie to Prom. • Validating helps the speaker to clarify what they are feeling and that their feelings are ok.– even if you don’t agree
Four Reasons To Validate • Sends the message: I want to understand beforeI evaluate . • Helps the speaker feel their feelings are OK. • Helps avoid criticism
Four Reasons To Validate • Diffuses people’s anger and opens the way to problem solving. • “What can you do…” “What do you think should be done?” “Have you …” • Remember we can only solve our own problems. • We do not have the right to solve anyone else’s problems; we can only help them solve their own