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THE HAPPY RAINBOW FUN-TIME JOURNALISM REVISION SLIDE SHOW. BING-BING-BANG. A D’ANJOLELL DESIDERIO STRESS SCHULTZ SOBEL MARKOWITZ. B BENTON BROOKS HARI BUKOWSKI SIEGERT. PRINT JOURNALISM. C O’BRIEN D’ARCANGELO MAHER CHAPMAN BARFOOT. D EMERY KORB McLAUGHLIN NEWMAN
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THE HAPPY RAINBOW FUN-TIME JOURNALISM REVISION SLIDE SHOW BING-BING-BANG
A D’ANJOLELL DESIDERIO STRESS SCHULTZ SOBEL MARKOWITZ B BENTON BROOKS HARI BUKOWSKI SIEGERT PRINT JOURNALISM C O’BRIEN D’ARCANGELO MAHER CHAPMAN BARFOOT D EMERY KORB McLAUGHLIN NEWMAN TARASIUK DUTROW
GREEN = GO FOR IT!Excellent Structure, with Short, Familiar, and Specific Language • Correct attribution (source citation) • An intriguing lead – I actually wanted to keep reading! • Nut graph clearly and concisely tells the story • Descriptions are poetic, using imagery and metaphor
Yellow = Slow Down and ReviseUnbalanced, Unproven Reportage with Unclear Language • Sources are unclear or are referred to incorrectly. • The lead feels “off the cuff” and doesn’t take in the totality of the story. • Quotes could have been simply paraphrased and have little emotional content. • The action is “spotty” or unclear. • An alarming number of grammatical and formatting errors.
Red = Stop and Rethink. Inadequate Reportage or Failed Fact-Gathering • No clear sources. • Lead feels disengaging – I actually wanted to stop reading by the end of the first sentence. • Appears rushed and unclear often. • Quotes were either absent or did not follow correct attribution format. • Action is too brief. The draft is under-length. • Contains multiple typos and mechanical errors.
CONCISE • MAKE “TO BE” YOUR ENEMY. • “IS” “ARE” “WAS” “WERE” • WRITING BECOMES CLEARER • LESS PASSIVE VOICE (PV)
CONCISE On his way to the water park, James was rounding the corner of a parking lot, leading the pack of his mother, father, and brother behind him, when all of a sudden he realized that a speeding car was coming straight at him. [43 words]
CONCISE On his way to the water park, James rounded the corner of a parking lot, leading the pack of his mother, father, and brother, when he sawa car speeding straight at him. [33 words]
CONCISE Brooks’ aunt was taking care of her grandmother along with the hospice nurse. [13 words]
CONCISE Brooks’ aunt was caring for her grandmother along with the hospice nurse. [12 words]
CONCISE “I was most afraid of the pain that would come with appendicitis and the idea of surgery really scared me,” Freeman says of waiting in an emergency room. [28 words]
CONCISE “I was most afraid of the pain that would come with appendicitis and the idea of surgery really scared me,” Freeman said. [22 words]
CONCISE When 17 year-old James D’Arcangelo, a senior at Council Rock High School North, was just 12 years-old, his life almost came to a tragic end on a day that was intended to be a fun and enjoyable one. [38 words]
CONCISE When 17 year-old James D’Arcangelo, a senior at Council Rock High School North, was just 12 years-old, his life almost ended on the day he’d planned to have fun with his family. [32 words]
CONCISE James D’Arcangelo, a senior at Council Rock High School North, was on vacation with his family when he nearly died in a parking lot. [24 words]
DICTION She then realized the man was from a bug spraying company when she saw a receipt in the door.
DICTION She then realized the man was from a pest control company when she saw that the pest control technician had left a small receipt just inside the screen door.
DICTION At around 1 in the morning, Tina got bored and brought out the Ouija board – a board game that supposedly predicts the future by spelling out letters to create phrases – and began to play it without giving it a second thought.
DICTION At around 1 a.m., Tina got bored and brought out the Ouija board – a board game that supposedly predicts the future by spelling out letters to create phrases. She silently set up the board and Kristyn watched her other friends get into position across from Tina. They’d played this game before.
DICTION “I‘m convinced I barely survived a shark attack”, said Mac Emery.
DICTION “I‘m convinced I barely survived a shark attack,” said Emery.
DICTION In the morning, Jill had woken up to a big black and blue bruise on her left but cheek.
DICTION In the morning, Jill had woken up to a big black and blue bruise on her left butt cheek.
DICTION Andrew, the boyfriend of Jill and Carlie have decided to go to Jill house to hang out and enjoy time with each other.
DICTION Jill, Jill’s boyfriend, Andrew, and Carlie decided to go to Jill’s house to hang out.
SVO A
Subject – Verb - Object The funeral was on October 29, 2011. It was a very big funeral, taking up most of the church. [19 words]
Subject – Verb - Object The funeral on October 29, 2011, filled the First Methodist Church in Richboro. [13 words]
Subject – Verb - Object It’s 5 p.m. when a loud knock on the door was heard, and a police officer was the one behind it. [21 words]
Subject – Verb - Object At 5 p.m., Chris Bukowski heard a loud knock on the door. When he looked out the window, he saw a police officer on his porch. [26 words]
