Managing Difficult Interactions

2. Course Objectives Upon completion of this course, you�ll be able to: Identify reasons why interactions become difficult Recognize the ways an interaction can escalate Describe the process for handling a difficult interaction once it occurs List the �rules� of emotion management Recognize typical responses in difficult interactions and identify ways to address them productively Identify strategies to prevent difficult interactions from occurring Upon completion of this course, you�ll be able to: Identify reasons why interactions become difficult Recognize the ways an interaction can escalate Describe the process for handling a difficult interaction once it occurs List the �rules� of emotion management Recognize typical responses in difficult interactions and identify ways to address them productively Identify strategies to prevent difficult interactions from occurring

3. Getting Ready to Learn Think of a difficult interaction you had recently. What made it difficult? What was the outcome you were hoping for? What actually happened? What would have made it go better? This course will give you tools and strategies to manage difficult interactions so that they are productive and effective instead of frustrating.Think of a difficult interaction you had recently. What made it difficult? What was the outcome you were hoping for? What actually happened? What would have made it go better? This course will give you tools and strategies to manage difficult interactions so that they are productive and effective instead of frustrating.

5. What Makes an Interaction Difficult? We all know what a difficult interaction feels like, but what actually makes it difficult? Fear�of the unknown, of not knowing how the other person will react, of hurting someone�s feelings or feeling hurt yourself. Conflict�few people enjoy conflict and most go out of their way to avoid it. Surprise�catching someone off guard can make an otherwise smooth interaction difficult. Change�interactions involving having to make a change often make people feel uncomfortable. We all know what a difficult interaction feels like, but what actually makes it difficult? Fear�of the unknown, of not knowing how the other person will react, of hurting someone�s feelings or feeling hurt yourself. Conflict�few people enjoy conflict and most go out of their way to avoid it. Surprise�catching someone off guard can make an otherwise smooth interaction difficult. Change�interactions involving having to make a change often make people feel uncomfortable.

6. Why We Avoid Difficult Interactions We avoid difficult interactions because they make us feel uncomfortable. We�re afraid we�ll make the situation worse. We don�t want to feel bad, and we don�t want others to feel bad. We may hear things about ourselves that we don�t want to hear. We and the other person may get emotional. We don�t know how the interaction will end, and we fear the consequences. We avoid difficult interactions because they make us feel uncomfortable. We�re afraid we�ll make the situation worse. We don�t want to feel bad, and we don�t want others to feel bad. We may hear things about ourselves that we don�t want to hear. We and the other person may get emotional. We don�t know how the interaction will end, and we fear the consequences.

7. When an interaction goes bad, it often follows a pattern like this: A misunderstanding or disagreement is not recognized for what it is. Conflict develops. Confrontational language is used, and escalation occurs. We�ll look at each of these elements in detail over the next few slides.When an interaction goes bad, it often follows a pattern like this: A misunderstanding or disagreement is not recognized for what it is. Conflict develops. Confrontational language is used, and escalation occurs. We�ll look at each of these elements in detail over the next few slides.

8. Misunderstandings Misunderstandings and disagreements can lead to unnecessary difficult interactions. For example, look at the graphic and decide how many squares you see. Ask several people how many they see. There is no correct answer; however, the most you can see is 30 squares. The point: If people have different perceptions about a simple graphic, think of the misunderstandings that can occur about important issues. Here�s the definition of misunderstanding: There is actual agreement, but one or both people were unclear. With clarification, you realize you are actually in agreement. A 2003 survey found that 71% of all conflicts are caused by misunderstandings.Misunderstandings and disagreements can lead to unnecessary difficult interactions. For example, look at the graphic and decide how many squares you see. Ask several people how many they see. There is no correct answer; however, the most you can see is 30 squares. The point: If people have different perceptions about a simple graphic, think of the misunderstandings that can occur about important issues. Here�s the definition of misunderstanding: There is actual agreement, but one or both people were unclear. With clarification, you realize you are actually in agreement. A 2003 survey found that 71% of all conflicts are caused by misunderstandings.

9. Disagreements A difficult interaction can also begin with a disagreement. There are two types of disagreements: Negotiable disagreements�in this case there is an actual disagreement, not merely a misunderstanding. However, the disagreement can be resolved through negotiation, if one or both sides are willing to make an adjustment. The second type is non-negotiable disagreements. These cannot be easily resolved. Each side has taken a firm stand regarding their absolute constraints. There is usually a values difference involved. However, even when an issue falls into this category, there may be room for negotiation if each side seeks to understand what is really important to the other. Most people treat all disagreements as non-negotiable, when in fact, very few actually are non-negotiable. A difficult interaction can also begin with a disagreement. There are two types of disagreements: Negotiable disagreements�in this case there is an actual disagreement, not merely a misunderstanding. However, the disagreement can be resolved through negotiation, if one or both sides are willing to make an adjustment. The second type is non-negotiable disagreements. These cannot be easily resolved. Each side has taken a firm stand regarding their absolute constraints. There is usually a values difference involved. However, even when an issue falls into this category, there may be room for negotiation if each side seeks to understand what is really important to the other. Most people treat all disagreements as non-negotiable, when in fact, very few actually are non-negotiable.

13. Confrontational Language When misunderstanding occurs and conflict develops, using confrontational language is often a natural reaction. Let�s look at two types of confrontational language. Blaming statements: These are statements that attempt to prove the other person wrong, or focuses on the past. Some examples include: �If you had told me sooner,� �You�re not making any sense,� and �You�re not listening to me.�When misunderstanding occurs and conflict develops, using confrontational language is often a natural reaction. Let�s look at two types of confrontational language. Blaming statements: These are statements that attempt to prove the other person wrong, or focuses on the past. Some examples include: �If you had told me sooner,� �You�re not making any sense,� and �You�re not listening to me.�

14. More Confrontational Language The second type of confrontational language is absolute statements. Absolute statements are words and phrases that inflame and imply a sense of mistrust and lack of respect. Some examples include: �You always,� �You never,� and �This is a total waste of time.� Confrontational language almost always leads to defensiveness and provocation.The second type of confrontational language is absolute statements. Absolute statements are words and phrases that inflame and imply a sense of mistrust and lack of respect. Some examples include: �You always,� �You never,� and �This is a total waste of time.� Confrontational language almost always leads to defensiveness and provocation.

15. The Escalation Process If confrontational language is not reined in, escalation is likely to occur. The first changes that occur are inward, or not visible to others. Trust is broken and is difficult to re-establish. Selective perception occurs�this is when you look for evidence to reinforce your judgments about the other person and ignore evidence to the contrary. And you move from self-interest to getting even at all costs. There are also outward signs of escalation. You move from discussing one specific issue to bringing in other issues or making generalizations. You attempt to draw others into the situation. If confrontational language is not reined in, escalation is likely to occur. The first changes that occur are inward, or not visible to others. Trust is broken and is difficult to re-establish. Selective perception occurs�this is when you look for evidence to reinforce your judgments about the other person and ignore evidence to the contrary. And you move from self-interest to getting even at all costs. There are also outward signs of escalation. You move from discussing one specific issue to bringing in other issues or making generalizations. You attempt to draw others into the situation.

16. Escalation in Action Escalation shows itself in words and behaviors. You may notice: Change in vocabulary and/or tone of voice to harsh and aggressive. Abrupt mood shift from calm to visibly anxious or angry. Tightness in facial or neck muscles, flushed skin or clenching teeth. Physically acting out, such as slamming a door or fist on the table. Sarcasm, gossip or back-stabbing remarks.Escalation shows itself in words and behaviors. You may notice: Change in vocabulary and/or tone of voice to harsh and aggressive. Abrupt mood shift from calm to visibly anxious or angry. Tightness in facial or neck muscles, flushed skin or clenching teeth. Physically acting out, such as slamming a door or fist on the table. Sarcasm, gossip or back-stabbing remarks.

17. How to De-Escalate To de-escalate the situation, Respect the angry person�s perceptions as real to him or her Move the angry or upset person to a neutral environment Create a cooling-off period Stay out of the angry person�s physical space Use a non-threatening tone of voice and body language These tips will help you de-escalate the immediate situation. Keep in mind however, that de-escalation doesn�t solve the problem, but it does make it easier to solve the problem.To de-escalate the situation, Respect the angry person�s perceptions as real to him or her Move the angry or upset person to a neutral environment Create a cooling-off period Stay out of the angry person�s physical space Use a non-threatening tone of voice and body language These tips will help you de-escalate the immediate situation. Keep in mind however, that de-escalation doesn�t solve the problem, but it does make it easier to solve the problem.

18. When an interaction goes bad, it follows a predictable pattern. Can you re-sort this list to illustrate the four steps toward a difficult interaction?

19. The correct order is as follows: C=1 D=2 A=3 B=4

21. Know Your Purpose Difficult interactions can be avoided or minimized with effective communication skills. First, know what you want to accomplish in an interaction. The meaning in your conversation can be mis-communicated if your purpose is unclear. Some typical purposes are to: Express an opinion, idea or feeling Inform or explain a decision Persuade others to a certain point of view Brainstorm or problem solve NegotiateDifficult interactions can be avoided or minimized with effective communication skills. First, know what you want to accomplish in an interaction. The meaning in your conversation can be mis-communicated if your purpose is unclear. Some typical purposes are to: Express an opinion, idea or feeling Inform or explain a decision Persuade others to a certain point of view Brainstorm or problem solve Negotiate

22. Frame Your Message Reduce possible misunderstandings and avoid surprises by framing your message. Set up the conversation and timing by inviting the other person to join you in the conversation. Ask if it is a good time, and schedule another time if it isn�t. Prepare the other person for what is coming. For example, �I need to ask for your help on my project. Do you have a few minutes to talk about it?� Introduce the topic and gain buy-in. For example, �I have something I�d like to discuss that I think will help us work together more effectively.�Reduce possible misunderstandings and avoid surprises by framing your message. Set up the conversation and timing by inviting the other person to join you in the conversation. Ask if it is a good time, and schedule another time if it isn�t. Prepare the other person for what is coming. For example, �I need to ask for your help on my project. Do you have a few minutes to talk about it?� Introduce the topic and gain buy-in. For example, �I have something I�d like to discuss that I think will help us work together more effectively.�

23. Use an Assertive Approach Approach the interaction in an honest, sincere manner. Use �I� statements, such as, �I am concerned about �� Be accountable and expect others to be also. Take responsibility for your words and actions. Avoid blaming with statements such as, �This project is going to be late because you �� Make eye contact and maintain an open, confident posture. Approach the interaction in an honest, sincere manner. Use �I� statements, such as, �I am concerned about �� Be accountable and expect others to be also. Take responsibility for your words and actions. Avoid blaming with statements such as, �This project is going to be late because you �� Make eye contact and maintain an open, confident posture.

24. Use Cooperative Language Cooperative language focuses on problem solving, emphasizes the present and future rather than the past, uses words with reduced emotional impact and demonstrates sincerity, trust and respect. For example, instead of saying, �You shouldn�t have done that,� say, �Let�s look for a more effective way to �� Cooperative language focuses on problem solving, emphasizes the present and future rather than the past, uses words with reduced emotional impact and demonstrates sincerity, trust and respect. For example, instead of saying, �You shouldn�t have done that,� say, �Let�s look for a more effective way to ��

25. Use Good Listening Skills A basic human desire is to be listened to and be understood. You can avoid many difficult interactions by being a better listener. Ask open-ended questions starting with �what� or �how.� Limit �why� and �who� questions, which can sound accusatory. Check your understanding with paraphrasing. For example, �When you said �, did you mean �?� Acknowledge the other person�s thoughts and feelings even if you don�t� agree with their perspective. For example, �I can see why it seems that way to you.� A basic human desire is to be listened to and be understood. You can avoid many difficult interactions by being a better listener. Ask open-ended questions starting with �what� or �how.� Limit �why� and �who� questions, which can sound accusatory. Check your understanding with paraphrasing. For example, �When you said �, did you mean �?� Acknowledge the other person�s thoughts and feelings even if you don�t� agree with their perspective. For example, �I can see why it seems that way to you.�

27. Establish Credibility and Trust Another way to avoid difficult interactions is to establish credibility and trust before you need to have a difficult conversation. Don�t wait to communicate until there�s a problem. Show mutual concern for yourself and the other person. Be reliable�do what you say you will and follow through on commitments. Maintain integrity�be truthful, fair and consistent. Building credibility and trust with others ahead of time will create a reservoir of goodwill that can be tapped into when difficult interactions arise.Another way to avoid difficult interactions is to establish credibility and trust before you need to have a difficult conversation. Don�t wait to communicate until there�s a problem. Show mutual concern for yourself and the other person. Be reliable�do what you say you will and follow through on commitments. Maintain integrity�be truthful, fair and consistent. Building credibility and trust with others ahead of time will create a reservoir of goodwill that can be tapped into when difficult interactions arise.

31. Introduction Now you understand why difficult interactions occur and how they escalate, but what do you do if you�re in the middle of one? Here�s the model for handling difficult interactions: Describe the situation Describe the effect Develop solutions Gain buy-in and commitment Now you understand why difficult interactions occur and how they escalate, but what do you do if you�re in the middle of one? Here�s the model for handling difficult interactions: Describe the situation Describe the effect Develop solutions Gain buy-in and commitment

32. Describe the Situation The first step in handling a difficult interaction is to describe the situation as you see it. State your observation Describe what you actually see or hear, rather than how you feel about it or what you think about it (that�s the next step) Use neutral language. We talked about how confrontational language escalates a difficult interaction. So avoid using absolutes and generalities, such as �always, never, everybody, no one.� And avoid words that label or judge, such as �awful, disgusting, selfish.� The first step in handling a difficult interaction is to describe the situation as you see it. State your observation Describe what you actually see or hear, rather than how you feel about it or what you think about it (that�s the next step) Use neutral language. We talked about how confrontational language escalates a difficult interaction. So avoid using absolutes and generalities, such as �always, never, everybody, no one.� And avoid words that label or judge, such as �awful, disgusting, selfish.�

34. Describe The Effect The second step in handling a difficult interaction is to describe the effect the situation is having on you, and the organization if relevant. Use specific words that take ownership, such as �I feel � glad, angry, frustrated, resentful, afraid, embarrassed,� etc. Avoid words that imply mistreatment by another person, such as �manipulated, ignored, used , abandoned, rejected,� etc. Express your interpretations, wants and hopes, such as �because I imagine that �� or �because I remember how� The second step in handling a difficult interaction is to describe the effect the situation is having on you, and the organization if relevant. Use specific words that take ownership, such as �I feel � glad, angry, frustrated, resentful, afraid, embarrassed,� etc. Avoid words that imply mistreatment by another person, such as �manipulated, ignored, used , abandoned, rejected,� etc. Express your interpretations, wants and hopes, such as �because I imagine that �� or �because I remember how�

35. Develop a Solution The third step in handling a difficult interaction is to develop a solution. Ideally, you will do this in conjunction with the other person; however, the situation may be too tense to do that cooperatively. At the very least, get lots of input from the other person. Set aside any preconceived notions and judgments, and be open to solutions you haven�t considered. State the ideal outcome in positive terms, i.e., what you want, not what you don�t want. Translate general outcomes into specific actions items. For example, instead of saying, �I need you to be a team player,� say, �I need you to consult with the team before making decisions that affect the entire team.� The third step in handling a difficult interaction is to develop a solution. Ideally, you will do this in conjunction with the other person; however, the situation may be too tense to do that cooperatively. At the very least, get lots of input from the other person. Set aside any preconceived notions and judgments, and be open to solutions you haven�t considered. State the ideal outcome in positive terms, i.e., what you want, not what you don�t want. Translate general outcomes into specific actions items. For example, instead of saying, �I need you to be a team player,� say, �I need you to consult with the team before making decisions that affect the entire team.�

36. Gain Buy-In and Commitment Verbalize your vision for a positive outcome. Emphasize the benefits of this solution�to the other person and the organization. Encourage voluntary compliance rather than pressuring through guilt or obligation. And make sure you show your support and appreciation for the other person�s commitment to resolving the issue. Verbalize your vision for a positive outcome. Emphasize the benefits of this solution�to the other person and the organization. Encourage voluntary compliance rather than pressuring through guilt or obligation. And make sure you show your support and appreciation for the other person�s commitment to resolving the issue.

37. Replace Criticism with Problem Solving In difficult interactions, there is often a temptation to criticize and point out the other person�s faults. Don�t do it! It places the other person on the defensive, and his or her attention turns to saving face and counterattacking. The interaction deteriorates from there. Replace criticism of character flaws with problem solving statements. Instead of saying, �Why are you so slow?� say, �How can we meet our deadlines regularly?� In difficult interactions, there is often a temptation to criticize and point out the other person�s faults. Don�t do it! It places the other person on the defensive, and his or her attention turns to saving face and counterattacking. The interaction deteriorates from there. Replace criticism of character flaws with problem solving statements. Instead of saying, �Why are you so slow?� say, �How can we meet our deadlines regularly?�

38. Handling Criticism You now know not to criticize. But you can�t control the other person�s behavior, so if you are criticized yourself: Avoid getting defensive, as difficult as this may be. Listen carefully and take your time before answering, rather than flying off the handle. Try to find the essence of the complaint and restate it as an action request. For example, if someone tells you, �You are a terrible writer,� your response could be, �So, you think there are ways I can improve my writing?� Then follow up and ask for specific examples.You now know not to criticize. But you can�t control the other person�s behavior, so if you are criticized yourself: Avoid getting defensive, as difficult as this may be. Listen carefully and take your time before answering, rather than flying off the handle. Try to find the essence of the complaint and restate it as an action request. For example, if someone tells you, �You are a terrible writer,� your response could be, �So, you think there are ways I can improve my writing?� Then follow up and ask for specific examples.

39. Sources of Negative Emotions Difficult interactions are emotional. If you can recognize the source of your own or the other person�s negative emotions, it can help you manage them more easily. There are five sources of negative emotions Safety and well-being � fear for your own or someone else�s safety, either real or imagined Power � loss or threat to your power and control Perfection and pride � when someone implies you are not good enough Self-sufficiency and autonomy � when someone implies you don�t have the ability to do things on your own Self-esteem, feeling important, status � when someone puts you down and makes you feel unimportant Difficult interactions are emotional. If you can recognize the source of your own or the other person�s negative emotions, it can help you manage them more easily. There are five sources of negative emotions Safety and well-being � fear for your own or someone else�s safety, either real or imagined Power � loss or threat to your power and control Perfection and pride � when someone implies you are not good enough Self-sufficiency and autonomy � when someone implies you don�t have the ability to do things on your own Self-esteem, feeling important, status � when someone puts you down and makes you feel unimportant

40. Rules of Emotion Management You don�t want your emotions to control your words and behavior. That will only make a difficult interaction worse. If you can only remember one thing, make it be this: Don�t take it personally. The RELAX model can help you accomplish that. Respect: The other person�s thoughts and feelings Empathize: Put yourself in the other person�s shoes Listen: Tot the other person�s words Acknowledge: Respectfully share your point of view Xpect: Expect a positive outcome You don�t want your emotions to control your words and behavior. That will only make a difficult interaction worse. If you can only remember one thing, make it be this: Don�t take it personally. The RELAX model can help you accomplish that. Respect: The other person�s thoughts and feelings Empathize: Put yourself in the other person�s shoes Listen: Tot the other person�s words Acknowledge: Respectfully share your point of view Xpect: Expect a positive outcome

41. Calming Strategies Stay �unhooked� emotionally by using these strategies. In the heat of the moment: Breathe deeply. Remind yourself to keep your cool. Count backward from 20 to 1. Visualize a calm, tranquil place. Let go of expectations. Remove yourself from the situation physically. Outside of the moment, try these strategies: Go for a walk, ideally outside. Do yoga, meditation or another de-stressing activity. Take up a relaxing hobby. Use your support network. Listen to music. Relax with a book or bath.Stay �unhooked� emotionally by using these strategies. In the heat of the moment: Breathe deeply. Remind yourself to keep your cool. Count backward from 20 to 1. Visualize a calm, tranquil place. Let go of expectations. Remove yourself from the situation physically. Outside of the moment, try these strategies: Go for a walk, ideally outside. Do yoga, meditation or another de-stressing activity. Take up a relaxing hobby. Use your support network. Listen to music. Relax with a book or bath.

42. Express Emotions Appropriately Awareness is the first step to controlling and communicating your feelings. Identify your emotions: There are four basic emotions�mad, sad, glad, afraid. Express, don�t dramatize. Choose words that accurately reflect your feelings, but don�t dramatize or exaggerate. Remain respectful�it�s okay to feel strongly about a situation, but it�s not okay to be disrespectful of the other person. In addition, you want to help others communicate their emotions appropriately. Let them vent�don�t attempt to reason, don�t say �calm down,� don�t interrupt, pretend to understand, give advice or respond with a clich�. Focus on the content and ignore the rest of the message � tone of voice, body language or other antagonistic behaviors.Awareness is the first step to controlling and communicating your feelings. Identify your emotions: There are four basic emotions�mad, sad, glad, afraid. Express, don�t dramatize. Choose words that accurately reflect your feelings, but don�t dramatize or exaggerate. Remain respectful�it�s okay to feel strongly about a situation, but it�s not okay to be disrespectful of the other person. In addition, you want to help others communicate their emotions appropriately. Let them vent�don�t attempt to reason, don�t say �calm down,� don�t interrupt, pretend to understand, give advice or respond with a clich�. Focus on the content and ignore the rest of the message � tone of voice, body language or other antagonistic behaviors.

43. Typical Responses: Difficult Interactions Anticipating typical responses in difficult interactions will help you be prepared and avoid being surprised, (which is one of the reasons difficult interactions are difficult). Here are some typical reactions of those on the defensive: Another typical reaction is that the other person tries to transfer blame to you. To combat this reaction, repeat the above step of providing the facts, adding possible consequences to the relationship A third response is that the other person shuts down and won�t communicate. To combat this reaction, suggest a cooling-off period but declare your commitment to open the discussion again. As always, remain calm and composed. Anticipating typical responses in difficult interactions will help you be prepared and avoid being surprised, (which is one of the reasons difficult interactions are difficult). Here are some typical reactions of those on the defensive: Another typical reaction is that the other person tries to transfer blame to you. To combat this reaction, repeat the above step of providing the facts, adding possible consequences to the relationship A third response is that the other person shuts down and won�t communicate. To combat this reaction, suggest a cooling-off period but declare your commitment to open the discussion again. As always, remain calm and composed.

44. More Responses: Difficult Interactions Finally, and perhaps the response we worry about most is the other person getting angry. To help combat this, switch to �computer mode� and use neutral statements, for example, �That�s an interesting viewpoint� or �That is something to think about.� This will help keep the situation from escalating. A second way to overcome an angry response is to find agreement about something. For example, �I think we agree that we don�t want this issue to affect other projects we�re working on.� Finally, and perhaps the response we worry about most is the other person getting angry. To help combat this, switch to �computer mode� and use neutral statements, for example, �That�s an interesting viewpoint� or �That is something to think about.� This will help keep the situation from escalating. A second way to overcome an angry response is to find agreement about something. For example, �I think we agree that we don�t want this issue to affect other projects we�re working on.�