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Romantic Love, Real Love And The Cycle of Relationships

KEY EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. Experience a mysterious and inexplicable "magic" in one another's presence.. FALLING IN LOVE". SEX-LINKED EROTIC EXPERIENCE -THE CHEMICAL COCKTAIL.EFFORTLESS -TALK IS EASYCOLLAPSE OF EGO BOUNDARIES ALWAYS PASSESNO EXTENSION OF SELF - NO REACHING BE

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Romantic Love, Real Love And The Cycle of Relationships

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    1. Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21a

    2. KEY EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP Experience a mysterious and inexplicable "magic" in one another's presence.

    3. FALLING IN LOVE SEX-LINKED EROTIC EXPERIENCE -THE CHEMICAL COCKTAIL. EFFORTLESS -TALK IS EASY COLLAPSE OF EGO BOUNDARIES ALWAYS PASSES NO EXTENSION OF SELF - NO REACHING BEYOND GOOD FEELING

    4. The Language of Romantic Love The Phenomena of Recognition Weve just met, but I feel like I already know you. Timelessness Feels like Ive always known you. Reunification When Im with you I feel complete. Ive found my other half. Necessity I cant lie without you. H. Hendrix, getting the Love You Want

    5. Romantic Love is an emotional brain Phenomena Falling in love Emotional brain - fuses image of lover with primary caretaker Intimate love is the ultimate in caretaking Illusion of safety and security Total absorption Instinctual bonding The way a mother bonds with infant Not the same as mature or real love That requires consciousness

    6. REAL LOVE (COMMITMENT): SCOTT PECK THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE PURPOSE OF NURTURING ONES OWN OR ANOTHERS SPIRITUAL GROWTH TIES SELF-LOVE WITH LOVE FOR OTHER REQUIRES EFFORT - D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ACT OF MINDFULNESS -WILL, CHOICE

    7. MYTH OF ROMANTIC LOVE THERE IS ANOTHER MEANT FOR YOU - TRUE LOVE RECOGNITION OF THIS OTHER -YOU FALL IN LOVE PERFECT MATCH - SATISFY EACH OTHER FOREVER FALL OUT OF LOVE - DREADFUL MISTAKE SEARCH AGAIN CULTURAL BURDEN

    8. MASS MEDIA AND ROMANCE TRADITIONAL FORMULA: THE ENCOUNTER: COURTSHIP THE CONFRONTATION: LOVERS QUARREL THE SEDUCTION: SEXUAL- INTELLECTUAL CONFESSION OF LOVE: AFTER FIGHTING MARRIAGE: NO DRAMA AFTER THIS REALITY TV HAS IMPROVED ON THIS SITUATION - THROUGH SHOWS LIKE JESSICA AND NICK or DR. PHIL WHERE THE DRAMA IS IN THEIR INCOMPETENCE RE DAILY LIFE SKILLS

    9. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 1. COMING TOGETHER 5 SUB-STAGES 2. COMING APART 5 SUB-STAGES MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS

    11. Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21b

    12. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING TOGETHER ANSWERING THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS REDUCING UNCERTAINTY

    13. THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS Whats going on? The purpose of the talk, are we going to get through this conversation smoothly? . Who am I to you and who are you to me in this situation? Particularly noticeable at moments like the first time you meet someone We let others know about the kind of people we are and how they are (in our eyes) What is going to happen next? Are we going to do something together (instrumental), or simply connect in the moment (relational). Discovering what we are going to do next also shapes our communication in the moment.

    14. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING TOGETHER 1. INITIATING INVITATIONAL COMMUNICATION: SCAN EACH OTHER FOR INTEREST - WATCH RESPONSE CONNECT TALK: RITUAL CONVERSATION STARTERS CAUTIOUS VS. CONVENTIONAL - AR

    15. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 2. EXPERIMENTING TRY DIFFERENT TOPICS - CONNECT TALK-LOOKING FOR SIMILARITIES - SOMETHING IN COMMON ANY PERCEIVED RECIPROCITY OF LIKING 3. INTENSIFYING INCREASE RELATIONSHIP DEPTH THRU PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE - self-disclosure - opening box 3 PHYSICAL CLOSENESS CREATING A PRIVATE CULTURE

    16. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 4. INTEGRATING THEY AND OTHERS CONSIDERS THEM A COUPLE SYMBOLIC ID - RING, OUR SONG, PLACE VALUE MORE OF SAME THINGS, FOCUS ON SOME PARTS OF PERSONALITY-MINIMIZE OTHERS REINFORCES THE CONSISTENCY PRINCIPLE: The more we communicate with someone similar to us on the surface, the more similar we become to them in deeper ways, e.g. in our attitudes towards particular issues. WE ARE CREATING AN US CAN LEAD TO A COMMITMENT TO PERMANENCY 5. BONDING FORMAL RITUALS -ENGAGEMENT, MARRIAGE, LIVE TOGETHER GAIN SOCIAL SUPPORT - ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIP RULES

    17. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

    20. Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21c

    21. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

    23. COMING APART: REVIEW OF KEY FACTORS UNRESOLVED TENSIONS AUTONOMY/CONNECTION SHARING OF SPACE VS.DISTANCE TO MAINTAIN INDIVIDUAL IDENTITY NOVELTY/PREDICTABILITY BALANCE ROUTINE WITH NEW EXPERIENCES OPENNESS/CLOSENESS SHARED THOUGHTS SHATTERED EXPECTATIONS 1. TRUST 2. INTIMACY 3. ACCEPTANCE 4. SUPPORT 5. PRACTICAL ASSISTANCE INCOMPLETE SELF DISCLOSURE AREAS OF SELF: OPEN, HIDDEN, BLIND, UNKNOWN PROBLEMATIC FIGHTING STYLES VOICES USED PARENT, CHILD, ADULT TYPE OF TALK LIGHT - HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. - ACTIVE VS. PASSIVE D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. CONFLICT RESOLUTION Forcing-Accommodation-Avoidance-Compromise-Collaboration

    24. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

    26. THREE KEY QUESTIONS: RENEGOTIATING THE ANSWERS Question number two is key: Who am I to you and who are you to me in this situation? Youre not the person I married.I thought I knew? Whats happened to you I thought you liked my cooking, mother, father, ideas on.. When did you start getting interested in . Whats going on? What do you meanyou need your space? What are we really talking about here?. REMEMBER, HEAVY CONTROL IS ABOUT INTENTION, TRUTH, BLAME. What is going to happen next? Are we going on together or not? Are we adjusting, changing, struggling some more, leaving?

    27. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APART 2. CIRCUMSCRIBING REDUCE FREQUENCY- INTIMACY OF COMMUNICATION HOT TOPICS AVOIDED TO REDUCE FIGHTS INCREASED FORMALITY 3. STAGNATING HOLDING ON FOR OTHER REASONS RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED

    28. THE MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE Repeated Complaining and criticizing leads to Contempt, which leads to Defensiveness, which leads to Listener Withdrawal from interaction (stonewalling). See Gottman in Additional Reading 15

    29. MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: Flooding and Contempt

    30. MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: Flooding and Contempt

    31. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 4. AVOIDING PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL SEPARATION SEEK SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS/FAMILY 5. TERMINATING LONGER THE RELATIONSHIP MORE PAINFUL SPECIFIC SEPARATION MESSAGES

    32. MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS PROSOCIAL BEHAVIORS POLITE, CHEERFUL, FRIENDLY; AVOID CRITICISM; COMPROMISE EVEN WHEN IT INVOLVES SELF-SACRIFICE. TALKING ABOUT A SHARED FUTURE CEREMONIAL BEHAVIORS CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIES DISCUSSING PAST PLEASURABLE TIMES EAT AT FAVORITE RESTAURANT

    33. MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS TOGETHERNESS BEHAVIORS DOING THINGS AS A COUPLE, JOINT ACTIVITIES, CONTROL EXTERNAL-TO-RELATIONSHIP ACTIVITIES COMMUNICATION BEHAVIORS CALL JUST TO SAY, "HOW ARE YOU?" LISTENING ACTIVELY, USING D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ABOUT SHARED FEELINGS, ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. RESPOND CONSTRUCTIVELY IN A CONFLICT: FAIR FIGHTING

    34. Four Effective Problem-Solving Skills in a Long-Term Relationship Physiological soothing Basic to all other skills Calming self Softened start-up Descriptive I-Messages Open Acknowledgement Repair and De-escalation Metacommunication Accepting influence Compromise Based on common ground See Textbook

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