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Romantic Love,“Real Love”And The Cycle of Relationships

COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE. Romantic Love,“Real Love”And The Cycle of Relationships. Lecture 21a. KEY EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. Experience a mysterious and inexplicable "magic" in one another's presence. . FALLING IN “LOVE”.

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Romantic Love,“Real Love”And The Cycle of Relationships

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  1. COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE Romantic Love,“Real Love”And The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21a

  2. KEY EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP Experience a mysterious and inexplicable "magic" in one another's presence.

  3. FALLING IN “LOVE” • SEX-LINKED EROTIC EXPERIENCE -THE CHEMICAL COCKTAIL. • EFFORTLESS -TALK IS EASY • COLLAPSE OF EGO BOUNDARIES ALWAYS PASSES • NO EXTENSION OF SELF - NO REACHING BEYOND GOOD FEELING

  4. The Language of Romantic Love The Phenomena of • Recognition • We’ve just met, but I feel like I already know you. • Timelessness • Feels like I’ve always known you. • Reunification • When I’m with you I feel complete. I’ve found my other half. • Necessity • I can’t lie without you. • H. Hendrix, getting the Love You Want

  5. Romantic Love is an “emotional brain” Phenomena • Falling in love • Emotional brain - fuses image of lover with primary caretaker • Intimate love is the ultimate in caretaking • Illusion of safety and security • Total absorption • Instinctual bonding • The way a mother bonds with infant • Not the same as mature or “real” love • That requires consciousness

  6. “REAL” LOVE (COMMITMENT): SCOTT PECK • THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE PURPOSE OF NURTURING ONE’S OWN OR ANOTHER’S SPIRITUAL GROWTH • TIES SELF-LOVE WITH LOVE FOR OTHER • REQUIRES EFFORT - D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. • ACT OF MINDFULNESS -WILL, CHOICE

  7. MYTH OF ROMANTIC LOVE • THERE IS ANOTHER “MEANT FOR YOU” - TRUE LOVE • RECOGNITION OF THIS OTHER -YOU “FALL IN LOVE” • PERFECT MATCH - SATISFY EACH OTHER FOREVER • FALL OUT OF LOVE - DREADFUL MISTAKE • SEARCH AGAIN • CULTURAL BURDEN

  8. MASS MEDIA AND ROMANCE • TRADITIONAL FORMULA: • THE ENCOUNTER: COURTSHIP • THE CONFRONTATION: LOVER’S QUARREL • THE SEDUCTION: SEXUAL- INTELLECTUAL • CONFESSION OF LOVE: AFTER FIGHTING • MARRIAGE: NO DRAMA AFTER THIS • REALITY TV HAS IMPROVED ON THIS SITUATION - THROUGH SHOWS LIKE “JESSICA AND NICK” or DR. PHIL • WHERE THE DRAMA IS IN THEIR INCOMPETENCE RE DAILY LIFE SKILLS

  9. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS • 1. COMING TOGETHER • 5 SUB-STAGES • 2. COMING APART • 5 SUB-STAGES • MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS

  10. COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE Romantic Love,“Real Love”And The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21b

  11. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS • COMING TOGETHER • ANSWERING THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS • REDUCING UNCERTAINTY

  12. THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS • What’s going on? • The purpose of the talk, are we going to get through this conversation smoothly? . Who am I to you and who are you to me in this situation? • Particularly noticeable at moments like the first time you meet someone • We let others know about the kind of people we are and how they are (in our eyes) • What is going to happen next? • Are we going to do something together (instrumental), or simply connect in the moment (relational). Discovering what we are going to do next also shapes our communication in the moment.

  13. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS • COMING TOGETHER • 1. INITIATING • INVITATIONAL COMMUNICATION: SCAN EACH OTHER FOR INTEREST - WATCH RESPONSE • CONNECT TALK: RITUAL CONVERSATION STARTERS • CAUTIOUS VS. CONVENTIONAL - AR

  14. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS • 2. EXPERIMENTING • TRY DIFFERENT TOPICS - CONNECT TALK-LOOKING FOR • SIMILARITIES - SOMETHING IN COMMON • ANY PERCEIVED RECIPROCITY OF LIKING • 3. INTENSIFYING • INCREASE RELATIONSHIP DEPTH THRU PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE - self-disclosure - opening “box 3” • PHYSICAL CLOSENESS • CREATING A PRIVATE CULTURE

  15. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS • 4. INTEGRATING • THEY AND OTHERS CONSIDERS THEM A COUPLE • SYMBOLIC ID - RING, OUR SONG, PLACE • VALUE MORE OF SAME THINGS, FOCUS ON SOME PARTS OF PERSONALITY-MINIMIZE OTHERS • REINFORCES THE CONSISTENCY PRINCIPLE: The more we communicate with someone similar to us on the surface, the more similar we become to them in deeper ways, e.g. in our attitudes towards particular issues. • WE ARE CREATING AN “US” • CAN LEAD TO A COMMITMENT TO PERMANENCY • 5. BONDING • FORMAL RITUALS -ENGAGEMENT, MARRIAGE, LIVE TOGETHER • GAIN SOCIAL SUPPORT - ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIP RULES

  16. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS • COMING APART • 1. DIFFERENTIATING • NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

  17. TALKING ABOUT COMING APART

  18. COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE Romantic Love,“Real Love”And The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21c

  19. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS • COMING APART • 1. DIFFERENTIATING • NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

  20. TALKING ABOUT COMING APART

  21. UNRESOLVED TENSIONS AUTONOMY/CONNECTION SHARING OF SPACE VS.DISTANCE TO MAINTAIN INDIVIDUAL IDENTITY NOVELTY/PREDICTABILITY BALANCE ROUTINE WITH NEW EXPERIENCES OPENNESS/CLOSENESS SHARED THOUGHTS SHATTERED EXPECTATIONS 1. TRUST 2. INTIMACY 3. ACCEPTANCE 4. SUPPORT 5. PRACTICAL ASSISTANCE INCOMPLETE SELF DISCLOSURE AREAS OF SELF: OPEN, HIDDEN, BLIND, UNKNOWN PROBLEMATIC FIGHTING STYLES “ VOICES” USED PARENT, CHILD, ADULT TYPE OF TALK LIGHT - HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. - ACTIVE VS. PASSIVE D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. CONFLICT RESOLUTION Forcing-Accommodation-Avoidance-Compromise-Collaboration COMING APART: REVIEW OF KEY FACTORS

  22. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS • COMING APART • 1. DIFFERENTIATING • NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES • COUPLE “NEEDS SPACE” SO, • FIGHTING INCREASES • MORE USE OF MUTUAL HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L.

  23. HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L 0. L. RIGHTEOUS ANGER RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION OVERT AGGRESSION PUT DOWN LABEL MINDREAD COMMAND VENT-YELL DEMAND THREATEN CRITICIZE RIDICULE USE SARCASM LIE R. OVERT PASSIVE AGRESSIVE H E A V Y INTENSE COMPLAINT DISQUALIFY WORDS WHINE PLAY MARTYR WITHHOLD DENY PUT DOWN SELF GIVE EXCUSES PROCRASTINATE LAY BLAME LAY BLAME

  24. THREE KEY QUESTIONS: RENEGOTIATING THE ANSWERS • Question number two is key: • Who am I to you and who are you to me in this situation? • “You’re not the person I married….I thought I knew?” “What’s happened to you…” “I thought you liked my cooking, mother, father, ideas on…..” “When did you start getting interested in …. • What’s going on? • “What do you mean…you need your space?” • “What are we really talking about here?”. • REMEMBER, HEAVY CONTROL IS ABOUT INTENTION, TRUTH, BLAME. • What is going to happen next? • Are we going on together or not? Are we adjusting, changing, struggling some more, leaving?”

  25. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS • COMING APART • 2. CIRCUMSCRIBING • REDUCE FREQUENCY- INTIMACY OF COMMUNICATION • “HOT” TOPICS AVOIDED TO REDUCE FIGHTS • INCREASED FORMALITY • 3. STAGNATING • “HOLDING ON” FOR OTHER REASONS • RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED

  26. THE MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE Repeated • Complaining and criticizing leads to • Contempt, which leads to • Defensiveness, which leads to • Listener Withdrawal from interaction (stonewalling). • See Gottman in Additional Reading 15

  27. MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: Flooding and Contempt VIDEO EXAMPLE

  28. MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: Flooding and Contempt VIDEO EXAMPLE

  29. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS • COMING APART • 3. STAGNATING • “HOLDING ON” FOR OTHER REASONS • RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED • 4. AVOIDING • PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL SEPARATION • SEEK SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS/FAMILY • 5. TERMINATING • LONGER THE RELATIONSHIP MORE PAINFUL • SPECIFIC SEPARATION MESSAGES

  30. MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS • PROSOCIAL BEHAVIORS • POLITE, CHEERFUL, FRIENDLY; AVOID CRITICISM; • COMPROMISE EVEN WHEN IT INVOLVES SELF-SACRIFICE. • TALKING ABOUT A SHARED FUTURE • CEREMONIAL BEHAVIORS • CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIES • DISCUSSING PAST PLEASURABLE TIMES • EAT AT FAVORITE RESTAURANT

  31. MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS • “TOGETHERNESS” BEHAVIORS • DOING THINGS AS A COUPLE, JOINT ACTIVITIES, • CONTROL “EXTERNAL-TO-RELATIONSHIP” ACTIVITIES • COMMUNICATION BEHAVIORS • CALL JUST TO SAY, "HOW ARE YOU?" • LISTENING ACTIVELY, USING D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ABOUT SHARED FEELINGS, ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. • RESPOND CONSTRUCTIVELY IN A CONFLICT: FAIR FIGHTING

  32. Four Effective Problem-Solving Skills in a Long-Term Relationship • Physiological soothing • Basic to all other skills • Calming self • Softened start-up • Descriptive I-Messages • Open Acknowledgement • Repair and De-escalation • Metacommunication • Accepting influence • Compromise • Based on common ground • See Textbook

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