The Five Critical Needs of Children

1. The Five Critical Needs of Children Claudia Saggese Family Liaison San Mateo County BHRS

2. How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children Gerald Newmark, Ph.D

3. The Five Critical Needs of Children • Need to Feel Respected • Need to Feel Important • Need to Feel Accepted • Need to Feel Included • Need to Feel Secure.

4. The need to feel RESPECTED • Children need to treated in a courteous, thoughtful, attentive and civil manner • The best ways for children to learn about respect is to feel what it is like to be treated respectfully and to observe their parents and other adults treating each other the same way.

5. What we need to avoid • Sarcasm, • Belittling, • Yelling, • Keep anger and impatience to a minimum, • Lying.

6. What we need to do • Listen more and talk less • Command less and suggest/request more • Learn how to say “Please,” “Thank You,” “Excuse me,” “I’m sorry,” – • Strive to be conscious of our mistakes, willing to admit them, and ready to make corrections • Cultivate these values in our children

7. NOT FEELING RESPECTED • When I experimented with clothes, my folks made fun of me. • I was constantly interrupted before I could finish my thoughts. • Sometimes I was embarrassed by comments that were made about me in my presence, as though I weren’t there • When someone asked me a question, my parents would jump in and answer for me.

8. FEELING RESPECTED • My mother never opened my mail, she always respected my privacy. • When we misbehaved, our parents did not yell or call us names • My mom would apologize for losing her cool with me and explain what set her off. • When an uncle made fun of my hair, my mother asked him not to do that.

9. The need to feel IMPORTANT • Feeling important refers to a child’s feeling: • I have value. • I am useful. • I have power. • I am somebody. • Children want to do things for themselves, and so often we get in their way.

10. What we need to avoid • Being all powerful, • Solving all family problems, • Making all decisions, • Doing all the work, • Controlling everything that happen.

11. What we need to do • Ask their opinion, • Give them things to do, • Share decision-making and power, • Give them recognition, • Have patience with mistakes when it takes a little longer or is not done as well as you could have done yourself. • If Children do not feel important, they may seek negative ways to get attention

12. NOT FEELING IMPORTANT • It seemed I was frequently being told not to do something. • My father was an unhappy person. He would often tell me that I would not amount to anything • We were never part of the decision making. One time we moved cities and my parents didn’t ask our opinion or about our feelings. • My mom was on the phone a lot, and would not get off to answer our questions or talk with us.

13. FEELING IMPORTANT • My parents made time in their busy schedules to sit down and listen to me. • They occasionally shared with us what was going on in their lives. • My parents gave me choices about clothes, food, friends, etc. When they did not give me a choice, they explained why. • As an older sibling, my parents trusted me to watch over my sister as an early teen.

14. The need to feel ACCEPTED • need to feel accepted as individuals in their own right, with their own uniqueness, and not treated as mere reflections of their parents, as objects to be shaped in the image of what parents believe their ideal child should look like. • They have a right to their own feelings, opinions, ideas, concerns, wants and needs.

15. What we need to avoid • Trivializing, ignoring, or ridiculing a child’s feelings or opinions. • This rejection weakens the relationship.

16. What we need to do • Paying attention to and discussing them, even when you do not like or agree with what you are hearing. • This strengthens the relationship.

17. NOT FEELLING ACCEPTED • I am 49 years old and my parents still criticize my decisions. • I felt as if my parents were always focusing on my faults. • Our parents never let us argue. They made us feel we were bad, rather than teach us how to disagree and work things out. • If I did poor in school, my father said he did not want to hear excuses and wouldn’t talk about it.

18. FEELING ACCEPTED • My parents never objected to having my friends over, everyone was welcomed. • When I wore my hair differently and got flak from relatives, my mom said it was what is inside a person that mattered. • I always loved raw onions. My mother always saw to it that I got raw onions. • My parents didn’t get upset when I expressed a strong opinion, even if they disagreed. WE TALKED.

19. The need to feel INCLUDED • They need to be brought in, to be made to feel a part of things, to feel connected to other people, to have a sense of community. • It happens when people engage with others in activities and projects, • When parents and children share feelings – some positive and others troublesome, • Where secrecy is kept to a minimum. • People who do things together feel closer to one another.

20. FEELING NOT INCLUDED • Our family did very little together. • I felt excluded from my father’s life. I wonder if he would have acted differently had I not been a girl • When I was 10 my mother remarried, but she never discussed it with me beforehand. • When my sister got counseling, my parents when with her but I was left out.

21. Feeling Included • I always looked forward to holidays, family trips and family get-togethers. • When decisions were made for our family, we always discussed them and I was asked my opinion. • Sometimes my mom would let me help her pick out a gift for my dad and include my name on the card. • My parents would read the Sunday paper together with us in bed, read the comics and “tickle-fight.”

22. The need to feel SECURE • Security means creating a positive environment where people care for each other and show it, • Where people express themselves and others listen, • Where differences are accepted and conflicts are resolved constructively, • Where enough structure exists for children to feel safe and protected, • Where children have opportunities to actively participate in their own evolution and that of the family .

23. NOT FEELING SECURE • My parents’ divorce was devastating, especially because they never discussed it. • Our parents fought a great deal, with lots of anger. We never say them make up. • Mom was out of the house a lot. We didn’t feel she was around or available much. • My mom said she was fat and ugly. I thought I was too since we looked alike.

24. FEELING SECURE • My parents “tucked me in” every night and our days began and ended with a hug and kind words. • My mom always made me feel better when I was sick, scared or got in trouble. I felt secure because I knew she cared. • My parents divorced but neither of them let us feel bad because of it. They never talked bad about each other and were nice when we were around.

25. What about DISCIPLINE? • All communities need limits, rules, and consequences, an so do families. • Children need structure, without which they do not feel secure. • Parents need structure to provide stability for the family in order to cope with responsibilites and a changing society.

26. What about LOVE? • Loving yoour children is essential and saying “I love you” is important but neither is sufficient unless you act in a loving way. • “Acting in a loving way” as relating to children in ways that make them feel respected, important, accepted, included, and secure …. that’s the best way to say, I LOVE YOU

27. Children Learn What They Live By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. • If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. • If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. • If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. • If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. • If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. • If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. BUT • If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. • If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. • If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. • If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. • If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. • If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. • If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness. • If children live with fairness, they learn justice. • If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. • If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.