Conflict Management

1. Conflict Management Chek-Yat Phoon, PhD, FCollT NSD Education Department Venue: HKMC Sept 20, 2009

2. It may good to sit on the problem.

3. Objectives: • Describe characteristics of conflict. • Identify typical responses when needs are violated. • Distinguish among three stages of conflict. • Define the five conflict handling modes discussed in the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument. • Review various conflict management resources. • Demonstrate methods to effectively resolve conflict situations.

4. What do you know about conflict? Write “True” or “False” next to each statement below… • Conflict left alone will take care of itself. • Confronting an issue or a person is always unpleasant. • Conflict within an organization is a sign of poor leadership. • It takes two people communicating effectively to change the direction of a conflict. • Conflict can be constructive. • How we respond to others and situations is based on the attitude we take.

5. What do you know about conflict? • Anger is always negative and destructive. • Communication is 50% verbal and 50% nonverbal. • Conflict is resolved once the goal switches from solving concrete problems to proving you are right and another person is wrong. • Communication and emotion are two key elements of any conflict. • Conflict is best dealt with in the early stages when the fewest number of people are involved. • In times of conflict it is important to speak loudly and with authority in order to make a point.

6. Objective 1 Describe characteristics of conflict.

7. Conflict… • Occurs when cares/concerns appear to be incompatible • Internal Conflict: • a disturbance that rages within a single individual • Interpersonal Conflict: • a disturbance that exists between 2 or more individuals/groups

8. Conflict is…. • Something we face everyday. • A fact of life. • An opportunity to create an understanding. • Often a result of miscommunication. • Not limited to fighting. • Not always negative!

9. Critical Elements of Conflict • Communication • Verbal communication • 7% • Non-verbal communication • 93% • Emotional Aspect • Is this pushing a “hot button”? • What is your level of commitment to this person? • What else is happening in your life? • On a scale of 1-10, how important is this?

10. Emotional Don’ts: • Don’t get in a power struggle. • Don’t detach from conflict. • Don’t let conflict establish your agenda. • Don’t over-dramatize the situation. • Don’t “awfulize”!!

11. Objective 2 Identify typical responses when needs are violated.

12. Four Basic Psychological Needs: • To be valued and treated as an individual • To be in control • To have strong self-esteem • To be consistent

13. When needs are violated, individuals respond. • Retaliate • Momentary • Always a mistake • Intimidate • Short tempers • Strong opinions • Hard on the long term relationship

14. When needs are violated, individuals respond. • Isolate • Appear to accept the situation • They may actually be suppressing it • This is how small problems grow into huge misunderstandings • Cooperate • Confront the issue immediately • Address the problem by putting it on the table • Greatest long term benefit

15. Is this your wish for all of the difficult people in your life? • If so, you might not be in a cooperative spirit! 

16. Objective 3 Distinguish among three stages of conflict.

17. 3 Stages of Conflict • Stage One: Everyday Difficulties • Low intensity • Day-to-day irritations • Discomfort & anger are quickly passed off • “No big deal” attitude • Strategies: • Avoidance • Obliging • Jointly examine both sides • Evaluate the proportion of the reaction to the situation

18. 3 Stages of Conflict • Stage Two: Significant Difficulties • Win-lose attitude • More personal investment • Self interest & saving face is important • Victories/mistakes are remembered • Alliances & cliques are formed • Strategies: • Create a safe environment - informal setting, neutral turf, agenda, control, set tone, be vulnerable • Hard on facts and soft on people • Do initial work as a team • Look for middle ground • Allow enough time • Seat people next to each other

19. 3 Stages of Conflict • Stage Three: Overt Battles • Shift from wanting to win to wanting to hurt • Being right and punishing the wrong is a consuming motivation • Positions are polarized • Logic and reason are ineffective • Strategies: • Negotiation - discussion & compromise • Mediation - third party serves as a go-between in order to reconcile • Arbitration - determination of a case in controversy by a person selected by the parties

20. Objective 4 Define the five conflict handling modes discussed in the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument.

21. What’s Your Conflict Management Style? • How do you react during a conflict...and how do others react to you? • Thomas-Kilman Instrument (TKI) -Provides information about an individual’s style of handling conflict, compared to five distinct modes. • ASSERTIVENESS (Trying to satisfy your own concerns) vs. COOPERATIVENESS (Trying to satisfy the other’s concerns)

22. Graph of Conflict Handling Modes Assertive Competing Collaborating Compromising Avoiding Accommodating Unassertive Uncooperative Cooperative

23. TKI Conflict Handling Modes • Competing: High assertiveness and low cooperativeness —the goal is to “win” • Occurs when you take a position that meets your concerns but not the other person’s. A win-lose mode.

24. TKI Conflict Handling Modes • Accommodating: Low assertiveness and high cooperativeness — the goal is to “yield” • Occurs when you accept a position that meets the other person’s concerns over yours. A win-lose mode.

25. TKI Conflict Handling Modes • Avoiding: Low assertiveness and low cooperativeness — the goal is to “delay” • Occurs when you try not to engage in a conflict issue. It is a lose-lose mode.

26. TKI Conflict Handling Modes • Compromising: Moderate assertiveness and moderate cooperativeness — the goal is to “find a middle ground" • Settle for a position that partially satisfies your concerns and those of the other person. A win-lose mode.

27. TKI Conflict Handling Modes • Collaborating: High assertiveness and high cooperativeness — the goal is to “find a win-win solution” • Occurs when you find a position that fully satisfies your own and the other person’s concerns. A win-win mode.

28. Uses of Each TKI Mode Scenario: A parent has submitted a somewhat controversial proposal to the Church Board which has led to conflict between the parent and the youth department leader. We’ll first look at a poor use and then a more effective use of each mode.

29. Competing • Poor use: • Youth leader… “Look, I don’t care what you think or how unfair you think this is! Rules are rules, and I’ve been hired to enforce them with no exceptions! I’m right in this situation, and the case is closed!” • Effective use: • Youth leader… “I understand that this is an important issue for you. However, as your proposal is currently stated, it does not fit in the guidelines set by the youth department. As youth leader, it is my job to enforce the rules that have been set no matter how unpopular they may be. The Church Board has set the rules so that the youth program is within guidelines. I am not asking you to agree with my position, but I do hope that you will respect it.”

30. Avoiding • Poor use: • Youth leader (has received a call from the secretary)… “No, I don’t want to talk to him now. Tell him I’m not in. No…tell him I’m in a meeting and can’t be disturbed. I don’t care what you tell him…just get rid of him!” • Effective use: • Youth leader… “Look, this is obviously an emotional issue for you. I know that you have a lot invested in it. Why don’t we take some time away from the issue right now and plan to talk again tomorrow? How does 10 a.m. sound? In the mean time, I will do some research on your issue to see if I can find additional options for us to consider regarding your situation.”

31. Accommodating • Poor use: • Youth leader… “Hey…I understand this is important to you. So, even though your proposal doesn’t fit within the department’s guidelines, I’ll overlook it this time and recommend it for approval. You’re an important member of the church, and I don’t want to damage our relationship in the future.” • Effective use: • Youth leader… “I don’t want to seem unresponsive to your concerns on this important issue. However, I don’t have authority to overturn the Church Board’s decision. So, what I suggest is that I put your issue on the agenda of the next Church Board meeting and invite you to attend, to see if the board has some additional options for you to consider.”

32. Compromising • Poor use: • Youth leader… “You’ve heard the expression, ‘You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours’? I bet we can come to some agreement here. You’ve got season tickets to the basketball games this year, right? How ‘bout you letting me have tickets for a couple of games, and I’ll see if I can’t get this proposal to slip right through the Board? They have so many issues to deal with, they won’t even know!” • Effective use: • Youth leader… “The Church board has set some pretty tight guidelines for me to follow. However, they understand that there are times that some allowances may need to be made. If you would agree to a revision here in Part A of your proposal to be in line with the Board’s guidelines, I believe that they would be willing to consent to your request in Part B. Would you consider that revision?”

33. Collaborating • Poor use: • Youth leader… “O.K., we have an obvious difference of opinion here. I’m not willing to take the responsibility by myself, so let’s call together a series of meetings with the Board, their sub-committees, some other Leaders, parents, and members. We’ll see if we can’t research this issue in depth, discuss it extensively, and come up with a solution in which all parties are in agreement. I’m guessing this process will only take about 6-8 months. That’s not too long of a wait for you, is it?” • Effective use: • Youth leader… “Since this is such an important issue both to you and the youth department, I suggest that we sit down at a special meeting of the Board to try to better understand each others’ concerns. We don’t want this issue to be unresolved too long, because there are a lot of resources involved here, but I do think it is important to try to reach a mutual decision that we can all agree upon. Let’s plan for a one-hour meeting with the Board next week, O.K.?”

34. What is the Best Way to Handle Conflict??? • No silver bullet or magic formula. • Key is knowing when to use each strategy, and not to let the situation get out of control • Remember…Negative Behavior never confronted, never changes!!!!!

35. Objective 5 Review various conflict management resources.

36. Conflict Management Resources • Thomas, K.W. & Kilmann, R.H. Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode Instrument, www.cpp.com • Thomas, K.W. Introduction to Conflict Management, Improving Performance Using the TKI, www.cpp.com

37. Objective 6 Demonstrate methods to effectively resolve conflict situations.

38. Conflict Management Scenarios

39. Scenario The President of the board to which you are an advisor works hard at each meeting to make everyone feel welcome. But, when it comes to encouraging committees to work and the members to complete their assignments, nothing positive seems to happen. As advisor you have been asked by some of the board members to resolve this situation.

40. Tips to Handling Conflicts • Keep program policies with you • Listen and ask clarifying questions • Write notes and keep record of conversations • Consider various options

41. Tips to Handling Conflicts • Learn from the conflict • What did you do well? • What would you like to improve the next time? • What changes (if any) need to be made as a result of this issue? • Real-life examples and tips???

42. What do you know about conflict? Write “True” or “False” next to each statement below… • Conflict left alone will take care of itself. • Confronting an issue or a person is always unpleasant. • Conflict within an organization is a sign of poor leadership. • It takes two people communicating effectively to change the direction of a conflict. • Conflict can be constructive. • How we respond to others and situations is based on the attitude we take.

43. Anger is always negative and destructive. • Communication is 50% verbal and 50% nonverbal. • Conflict is resolved once the goal switches from solving concrete problems to proving you are right and another person is wrong. • Communication and emotion are two key elements of any conflict. • Conflict is best dealt with in the early stages when the fewest number of people are involved. • In times of conflict it is important to speak loudly and with authority in order to make a point.

44. False False False False True True False False False True True False Conflict Quiz Review

45. Questions?

46. …for your participation for your certification