The ABC’s of Healthy Relationships

1. The ABC’s of Healthy Relationships Funded by a grant from Youth Venture Run your relationships. Don’t let them run you.

2. Types of Relationships What types of relationships are there? • Family(such as siblings and parents) • Friends • Romantic(boyfriends or girlfriends) • Casual: • Professional(such as teachers, clergy or medical professionals) • Acquaintances(such as people you know and recognize in passing)

3. Why are relationships important? • Everyone is part of relationships • Being in a good relationship helps us: • Know ourselves • Develop as a person • Grow emotionally • Communicate and maintain meaningful bonds with other people • Have fun! 1

4. What is a Healthy Relationship? • Safety-you feel safe and don’t have to worry that your partner will harm you physically or emotionally • Honesty- you don’t hide anything important from your partner and you resolve disagreements by talking honestly • Acceptance- you accept each other as you are and don’t try to change or fix each other • Respect- you think highly of each other • Enjoyment- you feel energized and alive in your partner’s presence; you have fun together

5. What is an Unhealthy Relationship? An unhealthy relationship may include: • Teasing or bullying • Power struggles • Angry outbursts • Withholding love • Coercion or peer pressure • Unreasonable demands • Humiliation Is the opposite of a healthy relationship

6. Is the a healthy or unhealthy relationship? Juan and Jennifer are 14 and have been going out for 1 year. They are home alone after school working on homework. The girl is a really strong student and makes the principal’s list. The boy is struggling in Spanish class and his friends always joke that he is dumb. He shares this with her. She tells him that’s not true. He asks her to help him and she does.

7. Is this a healthy or unhealthy relationship? Kevin, 20 and Kelly, 15 meet at a party and start talking. Kevin tells Kelly she is fine at the party and gives her a kiss. They make plans to go out on a date to the movies next weekend. Kevin picks Kelly up but instead of going to the movies he takes her to this apartment and they have oral sex. When Kelly calls Kevin the next day he is short with her and says he’ll call her back but he never does.

8. You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she: • Is jealous or possessive toward you. • Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding. • Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships. • Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly. • Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with. • Abuses drugs or alcohol. • Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. • Blames you when he or she mistreats you. • Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.

9. Dating 101 Dating is an opportunity to get to know someone of the opposite or same sex better; it is not an avenue to sexual intercourse.

10. So there’s someone you what to get to know better, what do you do? Establish clear expectations with your date before going out. 1. Double-dating or group-dating is more appropriate when dating somebody for the first time (or even for the first few times). 2. Date in public places initially. 3. Set it up so that each of you pays your own way initially. This creates a situation in which nobody “owes” anything to anybody. 4. Respect the limits and restrictions that your parents have established for you regarding dating. It is their responsibility to keep you safe and to look out for your best interests, whether you agree or not.

11. 5. Get to know your date. Ask questions. Try to see past just the physical attraction. Does your date appear to be interested in getting to know you or is he/she mostly interested in talking about himself/herself? Does your date appear to use good judgment? Does he or she treat others with respect? 6. While involved in a dating relationship, be sure to continue associating with your friends. Ignoring your friends while you are dating might mean that they will not be there when the relationship ends. It is often difficult to re-establish your friendships afterwards. 7. Never, under any circumstances, accept a ride with a date that has been drinking or that has been using drugs. Call home or get a ride from someone else that you feel safe with. Never allow a date to “show off” by speeding or driving recklessly. Let him or her know ahead of time that this is not something that impresses you. 8. Have fun, but never let your date pressure you into doing something that you are not comfortable with. A good boyfriend/girlfriend will respect your boundaries.

12. The Media and Relationships • Exposure • How are relationships portrayed in the media? • Facts • Most relationships on TV are superficial, short term and “easy.” • Out of the TV shows that contain overt sexual content, only 15% discuss risk and responsibility.

13. What do these images say about relationships?

28. The ABC’s

29. A: Awareness • What is awareness? • General knowledge • Knowing consequences • Prevention of violence

30. B: Balance • What does balance mean? • Nothing is one-sided • Communication • Both people have • valuable opinions • Having other friends and interests

31. C: Choices • Make a conscious choice • Don’t let things • “just happen”

32. So, how can knowing the ABC’s help you have healthy relationships?

33. Keys to Healthy Relationships • The Base of the ABC’s: • Communication • Trust • Respect

34. Communication • Communication= talking and listening • Open and honest 4

35. Communicating – Body Language and Tone • Body language and tone can express more than your words! • Activity: Using Body Language 6

36. Trust • Being honest • Proving you are reliable and responsible • What happens in a relationship without trust? • Second guessing • Not believing each other • Betrayal by sharing secrets • Obsessively checking on the person

37. Respect: You have to give it to get it! Everyone deserves respect. • Trust and support each other • Value each other's independence • Have the freedom to be yourself • Talk honestly 8

38. Being Respectful • Respect yourself • Show respect with your words and actions • Verbal and emotional abuse is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. 9

39. Boundaries • Understand and honor boundaries • Each relationship can have different boundaries • Understand when boundaries can/cannot be crossed

40. The ABC’s in Action:Evaluating a Friendship Is the friendship worth it? • Are you aware of all the risks? • Is there balance in your friendship? • What are your choices? Make a conscious choice. Is this a healthy friendship? 10 11

41. The ABC’s in Action:Sexuality Is your romantic relationship ready for sexuality? • Consider: • Are you awareof your options and the consequences of being sexual? • Are you balancing all aspects of your life in your decision, including your present desires and future goals? • Make a conscious choice. 12

42. Danger Signs • Not talking and avoiding problems • Lack of trust • Jealousy • Lack of balance • Lack of respect

43. Red Lights Does the other person…? • Put you down • Get extremely jealous or possessive • Constantly check up on you • Tell you how to dress • Try to control what you do and who you see • Have big mood swings • Make you feel nervous (like you are walking on eggshells) • Criticize you • Threaten to hurt you

44. One Outcome of Bad Relationships…Dating Violence How common is dating violence? • About one in four adolescents reports verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse each year. • Recent studies show that 1/3 of teens experience some form of abuse in dating relationships. • More than half of the teens surveyed know someone who has been abused. 13

45. What is the Dating Violence Cycle? • Tension: Criticism, yelling, swearing, angry gestures, coercion or threats • Violence: Physical and sexual attacks or threats • Seduction: Apologies, promises to change or gifts Jealousy and Possessiveness 14

46. Myths of Dating Violence • “He/she will never do it again.” • “I am not being abused.” • “I will leave when the time is right.” • “It only happens to girls.” 15

47. Helping a Friend - Warning Signs • Is your friend: • Becoming more isolated? • Not participating in activities he/she formerly enjoyed? • Spending an excessive amount of time with the other person? • Displaying physical and emotional signs of abuse? 16

48. What Should You Do? • In an unhealthy relationship, you can: • Work it out • End the relationship • Tell someone about the abuse • Helping your friend • Do not make them feel bad about their choices • Offer to go with them to get help • Remember you cannot “rescue” them 17

49. Resources • National Domestic Violence Hotline • 800-799- SAFE (7233) • Break the Cycle • http://www.breakthecycle.org/ • 1-888-988-TEEN (8336) • Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network • http://www.rainn.org/ • 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

50. Thank You! This presentation, along with other health information and resources, is available online at: www.pamf.org/preteen www.pamf.org/teen