Academic Administrators Leadership Series – Managing Conflict

1. Academic Administrators Leadership Series – Managing Conflict Chris Loschiavo, JD Associate Dean of Students and Director of Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution

2. Overview • Background of presenter • The definition of “Conflict” • Different styles of conflict • Tools for conflict resolution • Conflict Resolution options at UF and in the community

3. Background and experiences • Education • My job • Certified mediator • Mediated student and greek life conflicts • Refreshed mediation training at Donald D. Gehring Academy • Expanding conflict resolution options at UF

4. Activity Words that come to mind when you hear the word conflict.

5. Conflict is… Conflict is an inevitablepart of every relationship of value. Conflict can be resolved so that both parties feel they have “won” and without the need for someone to “lose.” Conflict signals a need for change/evolution in a relationship. Conflict can be a healthyand enrichingexperience, strengthening rather than weakening relationships. Conflict can be positive and productive, providing opportunities for learning and mutualunderstanding.

6. Reframing Negative Mindsets Conflict is … Rewarding Inevitable Healthy Stimulating Opportunity Growth Positive Change Creative Win/Win Helpful Enriching Learning Constructive Unifying Exciting Collaborative Vital Productive

7. Perceptions, Assumptions and Values Perceptions: the individual frames of reference in which we view the world Assumptions: a guess or conclusion based on perceptions Values: individual beliefs that we regard highly

8. Breaking Down Conflict Perceptions, assumptions and values are highly regarded individual beliefs They are also self imposed barriers to communication that can often inhibit resolution of conflict To resolve conflict effectively, it helps to consider how our perceptions, assumptions and values are expressed. The three primary components expressed in conflict are: Positions, Interests and Needs

9. The PIN Model of Conflict POSITIONS: What we state we want INTERESTS: What we really want NEEDS: What we must have

10. The PIN Model Consider … Amy and Latrice share an off-campus apartment. Latrice is upset because Amy had a party without telling her and damaged Latrice’s sofa, staining the cushions with food and drinks. Latrice is demanding that Amy pay $600 for a new sofa and that she no longer use any of her belongings, including furniture.

11. Positions (Tip of the Iceberg) What we state we want “You and your friends have no respect for others.” “Quit using my stuff.” “Give me $600 by the end of next week.”

12. Interests (Just under waterline)What we really want “I want the cushions cleaned.” “I want you to be more careful when people are over.” “Let me know when you are having people over.” “Please show me some respect.”

13. Needs (Deep under surface) What we must have “I need to be able to trust my roommate.” “I need to feel respected.” “I need to not have to worry about my stuff when going away for a weekend.”

14. Anger Iceberg How is anger expressed in the world? What might the underlying causes be for this expression of anger/violence? Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

15. The role of Unmet needs in driving conflict All Violence Is An Expression Of An Unmet Need How Recognizing Interests/Needs Support Positive Outcomes (Empathy) CHAMPPP Universal Needs Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

16. CHAMPPP • CONNECTION HONESTY AUTOMOMY MEANING PEACE PHYSICAL WELLBEING PLAY Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

17. CONNECTION ACCEPTANCE LOVE APPRECIATION NURTURING BELONGING RESPECT COMMUNICATION SAFETY CLOSENESS STABILITY CONSIDERATION SUPPORT EMPATHY UNDERSTOOD INCLUSION TRUST Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

18. HONESTY AUTHENTICITY INTEGRITY PRESENCE Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

19. AUTONOMY CHOICE FREEDOM INDEPENDENCE SPACE SPONTANEITY Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

20. MEANING AWARENESS MOURNING CHALLENGE PURPOSE CLARITY SELF EXPRESSION CREATIVITY TO MATTER DISCOVERY UNDERSTANDING GROWTH HOPE LEARNING Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

21. PEACE BEAUTY COMMUNION EASE EQUALITY HARMONY INSPIRATION ORDER Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

22. PHYSICAL WELL-BEING AIR SAFETY FOOD SHELTER WATER TOUCH MOVEMENT REST SEXUAL EXPRESSION Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

23. PLAY JOY HUMOR Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

24. Conflict Styles AVOIDANCE ACCOMMODATION COMPETITION COMPROMISE COLLABORATION Everyone has a default style

25. Avoidance“Passive Aggressive” Strategies: • Ignoringthe conflict • Denialof the conflict • Evasion of the conflict • Joking about the conflict When to Practice: • When issue or relationship is unimportant • When there is no chance of a positive outcome • When risks of confrontation outweigh benefits of resolution • When other party has greater power • When one or more parties needs time to “cool down” • When it is appropriate to let others resolve conflict • When you’re wrong

26. Avoidance Disadvantages: Decisions made by default/without input Issues likely to remain unresolved Loss of influence in a situation or relationship Leads to self-doubt and loss of self-esteem May be unable to deal with conflicts in the future Demonstrates a lack of caring/investment/credibility

27. Accommodation“The ‘YES” Person” or “People Pleasers” • When to Practice: • When one is wrong/other is right; wrong person acknowledges and can give in • When there is a desire for harmony in the relationship • When relationship is more important than the dispute • When losses can be minimized • When party needs to “save face” • When one wants leverage for future conflict Strategies: Giving in or giving up Denying one’s own needs Placing harmony over issues

28. Accommodation Disadvantages: Requires party to give something up Issues likely to remain unresolved Does not generate creative solutions Can cause frustration and/or resentment when someone accommodates and places harmony over resolution Creates a loss of influence in situation/relationship Can damage relationships Can foster competition over “niceness” Loss of credibility

29. CompetitionType “A” Personality • When to Practice: • When immediate and decisive action is necessary • When the style will be rewarded • When there is no relationship of value • When the issue is more important than the relationship • Where a party needs to prove commitment/strength • When total victory is desired • When competing can bring parties together/make both better Strategies: Hostile remarks or jokes Threats and/or coercion Denial of own responsibility Verbal arguments Physical altercations Covert actions

30. Competition Disadvantages: Strains/damagesrelationships Requires that one/both/all be “losers” in conflict Conflict may escalate Less likely to use constructive approaches later May encourage covert actions Can lead to stalemates Creates resentment and/or desire for revenge

31. Compromise • When to Practice: • When a temporary solution is needed • When parties are of equal power • When parties wish to save time and energy • When doing so “seems fair” to all parties Strategies: Both parties give and take to find a “middle ground” Offer a short-term resolution for “peace-keeping” Appeals to fair play/fairness Each person “gives” a little; so each person “looses” a little, too

32. Compromise Disadvantages: Often leaves underlying issues unresolved Issue may become a recurring problem Parties required to give something up One/both/all parties may not be completely satisfied Becomes an easy way out of creative conflict resolution Leads to “position padding” Not getting beneath the water of the PIN iceberg!

33. Collaboration Strategies: • Open and honest dialogue that is positive and constructive • Willingness to listen to another view • Emotions dealt with properly • Seeking input from other party • Willingness to accept responsibility for actions • Giving ground without “giving in” (reason v. compromise) • Instead of both “giving in” a little, you come up with a different solution When to Practice: • When the relationship is important • When a mutually satisfying outcome is sought • When both views/sides are too important to compromise • When underlying issues need to be addressed • When one wants to avoid destructive means for handling conflict • When new and creative solutions are desired

34. Collaboration Disadvantages: Takes more time and energy Requires both parties to be committedto the process Makes a party appear unreasonable if he/she later decides against collaboration A collaborative party may appear weak to an aggressive party

35. Conflict Resolution Tools for YOU

36. Engaging in Healthy Dialogue Active & Reflective Listening Being Attentive Summarizing & Restating Reframing You / I Statements

37. Listening Active Listening • Paying Attention • Listen with an open mind Reflective Listening • Demonstrate Empathy • Signals understanding • Non-verbals: nodding, eye contact • Verbals: rephrasing and reframing

38. Attending • BODY POSTURE • EYE CONTACT • NONVERBAL BEHAVIORS • PAYING ATTENTION • AVOID NERVOUS BEHAVIORS

39. Summarizing/Restating • Ability to reflect information back to someone in your own words. • Confirms to the speaker that you were listening to them Restating Question Prefaces: • So you are saying that… • In other words… • It sounds like you... • I’ve heard you say that…

40. Summarizing/Restating Example: Student #1: I am teaching six classes this semester and I don’t have a lot of time. Student #2:You are saying that you are very busy because of your heavy course load.

41. Reframing To reinterpret a statement or comment into a problem-solving frame. Restate what is said Remove negative language Reframe the discussion from positions to interests Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

42. Reframing Using reframing to deescalate: Faculty #1: You’re a liar. You said you would give me the opportunity to run this clinical experience. Department Chair #2 :It sounds like you are angry because you felt you were promised the opportunity to teach this clinical experience Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

43. Reframe this statement How would you reframe this to state an interest? • “He’s a liar. Every time he promises to do something he has broken that promise. I can’t trust him.”

44. Reframe this statement How would you reframe this to state an interest? • “John is a jerk. He always disagrees with me. Every time I make a suggestion he criticizes it.”

45. Practice Active Listening and Reframing (content and feelings) Active listening activity • Get with a partner. For 1 minute, one of you describe a conflict that is going on in your department. The second person, should display poor active listening skills (interrupt and offer suggestions, don’t pay attention). Then we will switch. • For 1 minute, the next person will describe a conflict in their department. The second person should be listening and should engage in active listening and reframing.

46. “I” vs “You” Statements Use "I" statements when describing the problem to avoid criticizing or placing blame. For instance, say “I feel angry when you interrupt what I am saying in our departmental staff meeting," instead of, “You are disrespectful of me!" To do otherwise will likely upset the other person and escalate tensions.

47. “I” vs “You” Statements “You” statements tend to attack and/or place blame “You never show any concern for my feelings!” “I” statements tend to have the speaker assume responsibility for her or his feelings. “I feel angry when you talk with Sally instead of listening to what I have to say in our staff meetings.”

48. “I” vs “You” Statements How could you re-word this? “You really tick me off when you dominate conversations.”

49. Poisons in Communication Some words and phrases are more likely to be perceived as rude, abrasive, or insulting, and make it easier for the listener to act in a defensive or retaliatory manner. These are considered poisons in communication and offer a good opportunity for reframing or questioning.

50. Poisons in Communication • Comparisons • You’re just like… • You’re nothing like… • She would never… • If I were you I’d … Commands You should… You shouldn’t… You will… You can’t… You must…