Two Churches, One Marriage

1. Two Churches, One Marriage Lee Williams, PhD University of San Diego

2. Introduction • Program reflects my professional background: • Educator - family therapy training program • Researcher - marriage preparation and interchurch couples • Clinician - working primarily with couples

3. The Basics - Why • A large percentage of couples getting married are interchurch (40% or more) • Couples from different religious backgrounds are at higher risk for divorce. • Interchurch couples as a rule have received little attention despite their numbers and higher risk.

4. The Basics - Who • Program targets interchurch couples • Interfaith couples may also benefit • Same-church couples with religious differences may also benefit • Engaged and newly married couples will likely benefit most

5. The Basics - What • The program covers the rewards and challenges of being in an interchurch relationship, as well as strategies for dealing with the challenges. • The program is divided into eight units that focus on issues that interchurch often face

6. The Basics - What • Communication skills • Problem-solving skills • Managing religious differences • Exploring values around marriage • Building a religious & spiritual bond • Changing religious affiliation • Religious upbringing of children • Finding support and acceptance

7. The Basics - What • Each unit is built around the IDEA model: • Introduction • Discovery • Education • Application • Program philosophy • Process oriented • Each couple must find their own solutions

8. The Basics - How • The program is available in two formats: • Free, web-based program (www.sandiego.edu/interchurch) • Teach-out-of-the-box version suitable for group workshop

9. The Basics - How • Recruiting couples • Marriage preparation events (e.g., Pre Cana) • Referrals through churches • Marriage education websites • Eligibility • Interfaith? • Distressed couples?

10. The Basics - How • Flexible format since each unit is self-contained • Sequence is flexible, although it is recommended to begin with communication and problem-solving units • Overall length approximately 4 hours

11. Communication Skills Unit • Communication skills can facilitate an exploration of issues that interchurch couples may face. • Discovery - Individuals take an inventory to assess their relationship communication skills: • Ability to share thoughts and feelings? • Individuals misinterpret each other? • Ability to share vulnerable emotions? • Ability to listen? • Feel attacked?

12. Communication: Speaker Skills • Use “I” statements • Focus on behavior rather than character when complaining • Share deeper (vulnerable) emotions

13. Communication: Listening Skills • Listen - be curious • Use active listening skills to confirm understanding: • Tape recorder method • Paraphrasing method • Empathic method

14. Communication: Listening Skills • Look for cues the speaker does not feel understood • Don’t confuse active listening with agreement • Let partner know you are listening • Assume a neutral or positive intent

15. Communication: Conflict • Recognize when flooding occurs • Fight/fight pattern • Flight/flight pattern • Fight/flight pattern • Take a time out when flooding occurs • Slow down and use skills when addressing conflict

16. Communication: Application • Exercise One - Practice communication skills while discussing an issue • Exercise Two - Identify couple pattern around flooding • Exercise Three - Negotiate how to take a time out

17. Problem-Solving Skills Unit • Problem-solving skills can help couples resolve the issues (religious or otherwise) that may arise. • Discovery - Couples take an inventory to assess their problem-solving skills: • Mutual understanding of what is important to each • Couple’s ability to come up with creative solutions • Couple’s ability to compromise • Couple’s ability to carry through on decisions made by the couple

18. Step One - Define the Problem • Need to specify what is the problem • Need to decide how narrowly or broadly to define what is the problem

19. Step Two - Identify the Underlying Needs • Couples can have conflict over what is the best solution to the problem • Identifying underlying needs can help the couple get unstuck • Identifying needs may make it easier to find common ground and alternative solutions

20. Step Three - Brainstorming • Identify as many solutions as possible • Be creative - “think outside the box” • Don’t critique ideas yet • Don’t stop brainstorming too quickly

21. Step Four - Evaluate the Ideas • Evaluate the merit of ideas after brainstorming • Some unconventional ideas can be modified into more realistic solutions • Look for solutions that offer a win-win for both parties, which often requires compromise

22. Step Five - Implement the Solution • Discuss the specifics of how to implement the solution • Each person should describe what he or she will do to implement the solution • Decide how long to try the idea

23. Step Six - Evaluate the Success of the Solution • Evaluate if the problem has been successfully resolved. Are both satisfied with the solution? • If not, consider trying an alternative solution. • May need to revisit earlier steps in identifying an alternative solution.

24. Problem-Solving Skills Unit • Application - Couples are given the opportunity to practice the skills on a problem

25. Managing Religious Differences • This unit provides strategies for dealing with religious differences, as well as exploring how they may be an asset for a couple. • Discovery - Couple completes inventory on religious differences: • Church teachings • What it means to be saved • Importance of attending church • Religious practices • Importance of Bible • Importance of prayer

26. Two Common Myths • Only interchurch couples have important religious differences • Reality: All couples can have religious differences • Religious differences are problematic • Reality: Differences can enrich or divide

27. Do’s and Don’ts • Don’t take a deficit view of differences • Don’t focus just on differences, but also look for commonalities • Do all you can to learn about your partner’s religious faith (e.g., attend partner’s church, read and discuss materials)

28. Benefits to Exploration • Exploration can lead to the discovery of similarities and commonalities • Exploration can challenge individuals to grow spiritually • Can become more tolerant and accepting of other religious traditions

29. Do’s and Don’ts • Don’t put other churches down • Do put the problem in proper context-interchurch couples reflect a broader division in Christianity • Don’t overlook possible strong connections between family and religious traditions

30. Troubleshooting Conflict • SLOW DOWN - Use communication and problem-solving skills • Be curious • Is the conflict over a “difference that will make a difference?” • Is conflict a symptom of deeper issues?

31. Religious Differences: Application • Exercise One - Have individuals identify the five most important religious or spiritual beliefs they have in common with their partners. • Exercise Two - Couple discusses how they can learn more about each other’s religious or spiritual life.

32. Meaning of Marriage • This unit help couples explore their values around marriage to assess how compatible they are. • Discovery - Couples reflect upon the following: • How do they define marriage? • What role should God play in the marriage? • What messages have they received about marriage from church, family, peers, and society?

33. Meaning of Marriage • The unit discusses how the 4 C’s can shape values regarding marriage. • Church • Childhood/Family of Origin • Circle of Friends • Culture

34. Topics to Explore • Role of God in the relationship • How important is God to each of you individually? • Is marriage viewed as secular or religious? • What role will God have in the relationship? • Will you pray together as a couple? • What spiritual values will guide you when your marriage faces challenges?

35. Topics to Explore (continued) • Divorce and commitment • Under what circumstances is divorce acceptable? • If you divorce, is remarriage acceptable? • What will you do if you encounter difficulties in your marriage?

36. Topics to Explore (continued) • Gender Roles • Traditional or egalitarian? • How will roles change with arrival of children? • Children and religion • What will be religious upbringing of children? • What role will God play in family life? • What core values or teachings do you want your children to have?

37. Topics to Explore (continued) • Family planning/contraception • What approaches to family planning are acceptable or unacceptable? • What will you do if there is an unexpected pregnancy? • What are each of your views on abortion?

38. Meaning of Marriage • The unit also helps couples explore their compatibility with regards to these values: • Step One - Know yourself • Step Two - Critically examine your own beliefs • Step Three - Know your partner • Step Four - Map areas of similarities and differences • Step Five - Assess overall compatibility

39. Meaning of Marriage: Application • Exercise One - Explore and assess compatibility of values around marriage using five-step process. • Exercise Two - Write down vows that reflect values around marriage.

40. Joint Religious/Spiritual Life • This unit discusses the value of building a religious and spiritual bond, as well as strategies for strengthening this bond • Building a joint religious and spiritual life was a protective factor against divorce. • Discovery - Couples take an inventory to assess the level of joint religious activities.

41. Religion and Spirituality • Religion is an external institution with church communities, rituals, traditions, and doctrines. • Spirituality refers to an individual’s personal faith, beliefs, and relationship to God. • Religion and spirituality can strengthen one another, or be separate.

42. Developing a Joint Religious Life • Attend church together • Do service/volunteer activities together • Attend Bible studies or religious education classes • Attend church-sponsored social activities together

43. Attending Church Together • Both remain active in their own churches, but also regularly attend their partner’s church. • Alternate every other week which church they attend. • Partners remain active in their own churches, and will occasionally visit the other partner’s church. • Select one church to attend, with one or both changing affiliation.

44. Addressing Barriers • Individuals may feel uncomfortable with another church due to unfamiliarity or negative preconceptions. • Individuals may fear that others will try to convert them. • Catholics: Does attending another church meet my Sunday obligation? • Issues around communion.

45. Advantages of Joint Attendance • Strengthens religious and spiritual bond. • May help couple discover more commonalities. • Get a different perspective, which may enrich one’s spiritual life. • Two possible sources of support.

46. Developing a Joint Spiritual Life • Pray together • Study the Bible together • Read and discuss other religious or spiritual books together • Discuss your personal faith with one another.

47. Joint Religious/Spiritual Life • Application - Couple identifies one way to strengthen their religious/spiritual bond.

48. Religious Affiliation • A large percentage (43.8%) of interchurch couples became same church through one or both partners changing affiliation. • The unit explores the issues of whether or not interchurch individuals should change religious affiliation.

49. Religious Affiliation - Discovery • On a 1 -10 scale, what is the strength of your denominational affiliation? Your partner’s? • What religious belief, practice, or tradition…. • do you cherish most in your church? • does your partner cherish most in his or her church? • do you find most appealing in your partner’s church?

50. Religious Affiliation • Reasons given for changing: • Preferred partner’s denomination • Wanted to worship together as a family • Stronger unity • Prevent confusion of children • Keep peace in the relationship or extended family