Conflict and Conflict Resolution

1. Conflict and Conflict Resolution with David Rude SUCCESS

2. Overview • Styles of Conflict Resolution • Assertive • Non-assertive • Aggressive

3. Conflict Resolution • Conflict is a normal part of relationships

4. Conflict Resolution • Three basic styles Non-Assertive Assertive Aggressive Resolve conflict in mutually satisfying manner Avoid Conflict Win I ignore my needs and satisfy yours Compromise Both our needs are satisfied I ignore your needs and satisfy mine

5. Do Conflict Resilience assessment

6. Conflict Resilience • scoring key • 15-39 Hmmm…I guess you already know you are not conflict resilient and learning new strategies is highly recommended. • 40-54 Your conflict resilience quotient is low and conflict support is recommended. • 55-69 You are conflict resilient with a few areas that could use some work to strengthen your skills even more. • 70-75 You are definitely conflict resilient!

7. Non-Assertive Beliefs • If I speak up or assert myself, others may become angry or upset with me. • If others become angry or upset, I may not be able to handle the situation. • It is wrong and selfish to refuse the requests of others. If I allow myself to be selfish in this way it makes me a “bad” person.

8. Non-Assertive Beliefs • I must avoid asking questions or making statements that might make me look stupid or ignorant. • If I speak up others may not like me. • I prefer others to be open and straight-forward with me, but, if I’m straight forward and open with others, I will hurt them.

9. Non-Assertive Beliefs • I am responsible for how others feel. (Common variation: I should be able to find a way of acting that will not hurt others.) • Handout on “Assertiveness”

10. Aggressive Beliefs • I must always be strong. People who compromise are weak. • I must always be in control. • Life is a win or lose game. If I don’t win, I’ve lost. • “Giving in” in any way means I am weak and the other person has “won.” It also means this person has taken advantage of me.

11. Aggressive Beliefs • My solutions and methods are best. If they are not accepted I am a failure. • People are always trying to take away what is mine. I must stay on guard and fight to keep what’s mine.

13. Rights & Responsibilities • Relationship between rights and responsibilities • Non-assertive • Need to become more aware of rights • Aggressive • Need to become more aware of responsibilities.

14. “You” and “I” Messages • You message • Assigns blame or puts the listener down • I message • Tells in an objective manner what you • See • Think or feel • Want • Often only need to say what you see or want

15. D.E.R. Scripts • Describe a problem clearly and objectively • Produces least amount of resistance • Three Parts • D = Describe the problem. • E = Express your thoughts or feelings. • R = Request what you want

16. D.E.R. Scripts • Common errors in D (Describe) • Overgeneralize • Words like “never,” “always,” and “every.” • Be specific to time and place • Too long • 3 Sentences maximum

17. D.E.R. Scripts • Common errors in E (Express) • Too emotional • Low key is best • Disappointed, upset, angry, concerned • Blaming • Trying to make the other person feel bad • Mind-reading or psychoanalyzing • Guessing at goals, attitudes, or intentions.

18. D.E.R. Scripts • Common errors in R (Request) • Not stating what you want • Using unclear or vague terms • Examples: respect, responsible • State in behavior terms – what you want the person to do • Asking for changes in personality or deeply entrenched behaviors

19. Group activity on DER scripts