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Conflict Resolution

Conflict Resolution. Resolving Conflict. Difficult Conversations Holding Grudges. Building Walls. Discussion. Describe how you resolved conflict in your family. What was positive? What was negative?. Resolving Conflict Case Study. Get into small groups.

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Conflict Resolution

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  1. Conflict Resolution

  2. Resolving Conflict • Difficult Conversations • Holding Grudges. Building Walls.

  3. Discussion Describe how you resolved conflict in your family. What was positive? What was negative?

  4. Resolving Conflict Case Study • Get into small groups. • Read the true story of Linda Lantieri. • Discuss: What did Linda say and do to resolve her challenging situation? (Working with Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman, Bantam Books, 1998. p.181)

  5. Difficult Conversations 1. Resist the temptation to blurt out what’s been bothering you for weeks or months, leaving hurt feelings and seeds of another conflict. 2. Do not assume that you really understand what the other person did, said and thought on the subject. That is, do not assume your view is right.

  6. Difficult Conversations 3. Instead, enter the conversation as a “learner” who truly wants to understand more. 4. Try to not put the other person on the defensive by how you state the problem. (Difficult Conversations, Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen. Viking Press. 1999. Harvard Negotiation Project) Article on web site: www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1999/11.04/difficult.html (Alvin Powell)

  7. Sort Out the Three Conversations • Facts: The “What Happened” Conversation • The Feelings Conversation • The Identity Conversation (Difficult Conversations)

  8. Facts: The “What Happened?” Conversation • Establish the facts: stop arguing about who’s right. • Don’t assume he meant it: disentangle intent from impact. • Abandon blame. • Enter the conversation as a “learner.”

  9. Scenario to Discuss: Facts Your project partner in architecture continually misses deadlines and turns in poor work with careless mistakes. What might the other person’s side of the story be?

  10. The Feelings Conversation • Think about your feelings • Sort out distorted feelings. “What is the story I am telling myself?” • To what extent are my feelings based on an untested assumption about his intentions? • What might my contribution to the problem be? • Express your feelings appropriately • Share pure feelings (without judgments or blame). • Don’t monopolize or begin problem-solving.

  11. Scenario to Discuss: Feelings Use the previous “project partner in architecture” scenario. • What might the “story I am telling myself” be? • What wrong assumptions might you have? • What could your contribution be? • Describe feelings you might have that need to be expressed to your project partner.

  12. The Identity Conversation Ground your identity: ask yourself what’s at risk • Three Core Identity Issues • Am I competent? • Am I a good person? • Am I worthy of love? • Three Things to Accept about Yourself • You will make mistakes • Your intentions are complex • You have contributed to the problem (Difficult Conversations, p.111)

  13. Scenario to Discuss: Identity • What’s at risk in terms of your identity? • How might you express those identity issues in the actual conversation with your project partner?

  14. Before the Conversation • Prepare by walking through the three conversations. • Sort out what happened. Your story. His story. • Explore your feelings and his feelings. • Identify what identity issues are involved for you and for him. • Check your purposes and decide whether to raise the issue.

  15. During the Conversation I • Let go of trying to control his reaction. • Prepare for his response. • Truly listen in order to learn … make it a learning conversation rather than a debate you are trying to win. • Take a break if needed, to cool down.

  16. During the Conversation II • Nonverbal • Appear calm. • Give appropriate eye contact. Face the person. • Speak quietly and gently. • Listen without interrupting. • Verbal • Agree with what you can. Don’t be defensive. • Be positive about her motives. • Take one issue at a time. • Ask for clarification if needed. (Sharpening Your Interpersonal Skills, p 59)

  17. During the Conversation III • FACTS: Describe what happened (your story). Listen to her story. • FEELINGS: Explain how it made you feel. Listen to her feelings. Share identity issues if appropriate. • EXPLORE OPTIONS: • What do you want to agree to do differently? • Talk about how to keep communication open. • Express love and forgiveness.

  18. Difficult Conversations Summary • Enter the difficult conversation as a “learner.” • Resist the temptation to think you are right. • Sort out the three conversations. Add 3 Key Principles to “Negotiation” theme. • Forgiveness is a foundation in relationships. • Spiritual power is needed for character growth: humility, honesty, transparency, integrity & love. • Form a strong self-image.

  19. The Power of Love “Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

  20. Holding Grudges. Building Walls. • An argument is often more about opening a wound than the facts being disputed. • When a conflict is not resolved properly, a wall is built between the two people. • The bricks in the wall represent unresolved conflict, and can be removed only through a process of good communication and forgiveness. (Bob Stone, Family Counseling)

  21. Effective Communication • Proper Communication • Clarifying • Requesting a change • Listening • Improper Communication • Demanding • Debating • Accusing (Robert Hosford, PhD.)

  22. Confronting Others • Speak the truth in love • Am I retaliating because I was hurt? (truth, but no love) • Am I sincerely trying to make him aware of something that if changed will help him and our relationship? (love and truth) • Ask: Is it necessary to confront him? • Do I just need to be patient with his weakness? • Will confronting this behavior help him see? • Do I tend to confront too quickly? • Do I tend to avoid all confrontation?

  23. Dealing with an Attack or Improper Confrontation • Keep silent • Think before you react • Really listen • Respond gently • Agree: • With whatever is true • In principle • With the possibility of truth • Give caring feedback • Ask for forgiveness (Sharpening Your Interpersonal Skills, Ken Williams, PhD)

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